Okay so, I was hearing about this franchise called Index for a bunch of time now, and decided to watch the anime. And oh my god I dont know what to even say. It makes like 0 sense what so ever
So here is my watching experience
Obvious spoilers warning for [ALL] of Toaru
Mayby its because I was watching it in not the correct order, I mean I know there is release and broadcast but I was watching it in a watchorder my friend reccomended and it goes something like this:

1. Accelerator anime since he is the best character
2. Index season 2 arc about teleporter girl (I dont remember her name) and random computer parts, because its directly sequel to Accelerator storyline
3. then Index season 2 arc about random magic girl invading the city or something? and also when they tried to kill the mom of one of the "MISAKA" clones? I didnt quite get that part.
4. Index season 3 the arc when Acceler vs Kakine and Mugino vs Hamazura happens. It was the best arc by far.
5. Index season 4 episode 15-18 because my friend said that Othinus is the second best character so we decided to watch the Magic God Othinus arc, where she sends Touma throught infinite hells or whatever... I also dont quite get that part? If there was this god all along then why was she not doing anything for first 3 seasons? What?

Then I was like I dont get what is going on. Nothing makes 0 sense. And my freind was like "Mayby your brain is too small for Index, so we better watch something easier like Railgun"
So we watched Railgun season 1, Railgun S, Railgun T, Railgun F, Railgun V and Railgun 6. And I gotta say it made much more sense then Index.
But I still have some questions. Like

1. why in Accelerator anime, the character Accelerator was protecting the sister clones, but in Railgun S he was killing them? It seems way out of character
2. Why is the Misaka clone that is the main character of Railgun called "Original" when there is an older clone "Dolly"? Dolly is way before this supposed Original as we learn in the flashback in railgun T. It makes no sense.
3. If Touma has big dragons in his hand then why didnt they just eat out Othinus during the Index season 4 thing I watched?
4. Also where the fuck is Othinus? She doesnt even have a cameo?
5. Also why in Railgun S and T there is Frenda if she got killed long time ago in Index season 3?

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Anyway I am thinking of continuing the story with Railgun Manga and its spinoff Item Light novels, and I told it to my friend, but he said "you are a railfag fuck you, why do you hate index so much you piece of shit" so I was like "what?" And he hasnt talked to me since? Its been like 3 years at this point and we never talked again? Like why?
Anywya if someone can explain to me the answers to both my questions about the first part of my watchorder that I asked in the first part of the post; and then answer my questions from the Railgun part of the post that would be greatly appreciated.
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Also happy aprils first

I have always fundamentally believed that putting people down, calling people names, and making people feel ashamed of themselves for actions that are not coming from a negative place is wrong.
The modern world is still dreadfully unkind to so-called 'slutty' women. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't so-called 'slutty' women out there who are indeed manipulative, deceptive, unfaithful, narcissistic -- even psychopathic. There have been studies done on the links between high sociosexuality in women and narcissism. I am not disputing this.
However, for the average woman who simply enjoys sex, why do we punish women and put women down for their sexual needs? Why do we label a woman a 'slut' or a 'whore' simply for having sexual desires?
Obviously, the contemporary liberal Western framing around sexuality is dreadfuly unhealthy. It has stripped sex of all its spiritual significance and turned something that is supposed to be a beautiful bonding experience into something that is meaningless and used vapidly.
However, when a woman genuinely likes a guy and finds him attractive, why is she then viewed as 'low value' or 'trashy' for being sexual with him early on? Why must we put women down for having sexual desires?
And what's even stranger is: why would a man want a woman who deliberates her sexuality as a calculated bargaining tool?
I'm not talking about women who are inexperienced, or insecure, or two people mutually agreeing to take their time before sleeping together. I'm talking about women who deliberately use their sexuality as a weapon, dating a guy for months on end without sex on purpose, knowing full well that he is into her, and using this as a way to manipulate him into a relationship. Women who essentially punish the 'good guys' who would wait and who are genuinely interested in the woman for a relationship. Women who know that they can withold sex for attention because society rewards these women and calls them angels, when they are anything but angelic.
To men, why would you want a woman who is playing games and using her sexuality as a bargaining chip? If a woman is happy to withold her sexuality from you to 'manipulate' you into a relationship, what makes you think she won't continue to do this after you are together? If this is how the tone is set at the start, don't you see how this shall continue long into the relationship?
Maybe the dichotomy should not be 'good girls' and 'sluts.' Maybe the true dichotomy is 'honest women' vs 'dishonest women.'
Would you rather be with a woman who calculates and bargains her sexuality, expects you to bring everything to the table, and essentially frustrates you by witholding her sexuality?
Or, do you want a woman who is honest, sexually open-minded, confident in herself and doesn't play games?
The strangest thing of all is that the first woman is somehow 'high quality' or 'high value', even when she is playing games and being deliberately manipulative, while the latter woman who is honest and openly sexual is 'low value' for being sexual. That being 'easy' somehow makes a woman less worthy of love and commitment.
Let me tell you what a so-called 'easy' woman is.
An 'easy' woman is a woman who doesn't lie to you.
An 'easy' woman is a woman who is secure in herself.
An 'easy' woman is a woman who doesn't play games.
An 'easy' woman is a woman who is confident in herself.
An 'easy' woman is a woman who isn't going to withold sex from you in a relationship or use it as a weapon over you.
An 'easy' woman is a woman who loves sex and isn't afraid of it, and is happy to share that with a man whom she is interested in or attracted to.
There are no 'easy' women. There are simply honest women and dishonest women. And it is far better -- and safer -- to marry the honest 'slut' over the dishonest 'good girl.'
Once again (to make this absolutely clear) I am not saying that all so-called slutty women are actually angels in disguise, or that all women who take their time before sleeping with someone new are being deliberately manipulative.
I am simply saying that for men, valuing honesty over dishonesty is going to save you a lot more time and headache than thinking about whether a woman is 'easy' vs 'non-easy.'
We shouldn't be putting women down for their sexual needs. We shouldn't be calling women 'sluts/whores/hoes/skanks' simply for being sexual. I'm not even talking about promiscuity or licentiousness here. I'm talking about women who simply have sexual needs and value a physical connection early on with the men whom they wish to form relationships with. Women who don't play games. Women who openly love sex and believe that a physical connection matters for a relationship to flourish.
To put a woman down for enjoying sex, for not wanting to play games, and to say she is not worthy of love because she is 'easy' is simply cruel and unfair to women.
We have got to stop punishing people and putting people down for having sexual needs. We must create a model of sex that is honest and compassionate, that treats sex as a bonding experience and a form of intimacy. When we do this, we cancel out 'good' from 'bad' and simply replace it with 'honest' and 'dishonest.'
Is that not much healthier?

What’s sweet, long, and 2.2 million Scoville Heat Units of fiery hot? That’s right baby, it’s tonight’s episode of Blitz! From last week’s Aether, we take a trip down to the pits of Hell with an absolutely searing card that’ll leave you sore from all the frenzied chanting as we hit up the famed Hodges’s Gymnasium in Raleigh, North Carolina, belonging to the mentor of our one and only Joshua Epps! With the killer main event that is in place, Death to Juniors will surely be appreciative of fighting on their own home turf, but don’t let that distract you from the 16 other fabulous talents in the running. Looking for a way to cooldown after the show? Hit up our latest stock of JOHN Bombs – the bath bombs that’ll peel all your worries off your skin! With grand matches and sizzling returns ahead of us, let’s dive right into the lava pool!
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Non-Title: FBE World Heavyweight Champion Inferno vs Sebastian King
The issues between the FBE World Heavyweight Champion and the youth have been a hot topic in recent months, bleeding into the headlines with his initial attack on current PROVINCE Leader T.M Imran. Whilst they’ve had two intensely personal matches since, a lot of bad blood still exists between the two sides, and tonight will be looking to take a deeper look at that when Inferno continues his crusade against the Trial Era as he takes on the Duke of Destruction, Sebastian King!
One of the figureheads of this new generation with his Cinderella run alongside Corey Youngblood as Tequila Inc. through last year’s Punish & Crush Tournament, the partnership producing a masterful duology against the reigning Tag Team Champions, and a promising continued rise up the ranks alongside his new stablemates, he’s everything people want to be, and equally everything Baba Blitz wants to hate. One of the better all-rounders this company has seen, Sebastian’s got the tools to go from cooking foetuses inside a Steel Cage to grappling it out on the mat, so when making a welcome return to these holy lands, you best believe he won’t be leaving until Inferno’s door is kicked off its hinges!
Prompt: Rebook ECW Barely Legal (Max 1000 Words)
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B Block: Joey Joey Siwa [0] vs Nate Matthews [0]
Despite a fantastic performance in his first tournament match two weeks ago, Joey Joey Siwa fell narrowly short of his first 2 points, and yet, it’s a defeat that should have his blockmates more concerned for their own safety. Already revealing once what he looks like when reaching his darkest depths, a JJS starved of success is not a JJS one wants to deal with, a pizza cutter primed to slice through anyone that defies him. With the Nebraskan now officially let loose in the wild, there is perhaps but one man who may boast the experience of putting down the world’s deadliest, and that’s his next B Block opponent, Nate Matthews!
Emerging from the plains of Tijuana, the Living Legend’s a product of one of the most dangerous cities in the world, and if his body of work over the last 4 years is anything to go by, he won’t hesitate to gut those standing in his way and bleed them dry. Rounding out the group of guys yet to make their Shining Light League debuts, Nate surely has his eyes on yet another championship and tournament win, but if Siwa has anything to say about it, it's going to be a bumpy ride to the top!
Prompt: Book Dragon Lee's NXT run (Max 1000 Words)
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Mark Steel vs Ferdinand Maxim
Fresh off a career highlight win last week, Mark Steel continues to stun the world with his ability to pull one off in a pinch, proving exactly why you should never count anyone out when Pure Rules are in effect. Blitz taking place around parts he’s rather familiar with himself, the Death to Juniors member has made a special request to wrestle on home territory to stay hot ahead of his final two block matches, so leave it up to none other than a returning Ferdinand Maxim to answer that challenge! A somewhat precursor of sorts to Steel with his time as part of the famed Collective, the Wild Wester is exactly the type of fella that Mark’s agenda wants a piece of, his Junior Heavyweight stylings meaning the guillotine is primed and ready. With a much lengthier tenure to his name though, experience lies in Le Prince de Paris’s corner, so expect nothing short of an interesting battle between two proud representatives of contrasting generations!
Prompt: Book FTR's WWE return if they lose to The Gunns (Max 1000 Words)
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D Block: Erick Koeman [0] vs Kentaro Sakamoto [0]
Even after just one night of it, D Block’s been nothing short of wildly competitive, in part owed to the level of talent brimming from all 5 of its components. It’s also been a prime location for faction warfare, everyone repping a different allegiance in the fight, adamant to bring home the trophy to their group. When it comes to Erick Koeman and Kentaro Sakamoto, one of each shimmering example from PROVINCE and PROSPECT respectively are tossed into the middle for a battle of supremacy between the leading ‘P’ factions of recent times, a truckload of pride riding on this one. El Cráneo has a lot on his plate at the moment, having to balance the Punish & Crush Tournament with the Shining Light League, which could potentially leave him stretched just thin enough for the Flying Dutchman to blow him out the water, though leave it to a hitman to fire two bullets at once, tonight about to prove whether his aim is as true as is to be believed!
Prompt: Rebook Jay White in IMPACT (Max 1000 Words)
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B Block: Hunter Maguire [2] vs FBE World Tag Team Champion Capital STEEZ [2]
Perhaps the most important match of the tournament thus far is the one up next as for the first time, two competitors with wins under their belt collide, making this a battle for the top of B Block! No shortage of history between Death to Juniors and Capital STEEZ, their animosities dating back to the Anniversary Show when King Capital teamed with surprising ally “Godfather of Pure Rules” Atlas Rogue against Hunter Maguire and Joshua Epps in winning effort, those issues were only punctuated last week as DTJ’s Misery stunned the FBE World Tag Team Champion in an upset, bringing his 2023 record against the group to 1-1. Fighting in their very home grounds here, there’s no better place for STEEZ to deliver a chilly helping of revenge, but when made to be a relative fish out of water, the burning question on everyone’s minds is whether Maguire knows something about this place that STEEZ doesn’t, Hunter’s cunning a massive asset to him here as traps lay abound!
Prompt: Rebook Edge and Christian's 2001 Rivalry (Max 1000 Words)
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ICON vs Happy
When the Pure Division was initially launched almost a year ago, one man that came calling back to participate was the Aviator himself, ICON, managing to net a shot at the throne in his short time here. One of the more accomplished to set foot in FBE, picking up the Television, World Tag Team, and Junior Heavyweight Championships in rapid succession back in the day, he’s fought for every active championship and each time given every champion a match they’ll never forget. But for a competitor like him, that’s not enough. Making his full-time return to Blitz action tonight, he’s got the Pure Championship on his mind, and he’ll stop at nothing to make it his!
But what lies ahead is perhaps the toughest possible first match back as standing in his way is a competitor that’s proven his efficacy under this ruleset many a time – Happy! A true Trial Era pillar, the Clown was the first of his batch to win the World Heavyweight Championship, that too as his first title in the company, which hasn’t been done since the first champion was crowned in FBE. Competing at an unmatched level throughout 2022, even main eventing BTE, he’s the perfect candidate to test what ICON still has in the tank after a lengthy hiatus whilst proving 2022 was just the beginning of what we’ll see from the monster that resides under your bed!
Prompt: Book the RAW after WrestleMania 39 (Max 1000 Words)
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D Block: Joshua Epps [2] vs FBE Junior Heavyweight Champion Misery [0]
One of the more exciting times in the year is when two factions go head-to-head with all their manpower to quell the debate of which one is undisputedly better. What’s arguably even more thrilling though are the rarer instances in which two members of the same fight are forced to put their friendship aside in their respective quests for championships. For Death to Juniors, that’s no unfamiliar situation, last year’s Gedo Classic Finals seeing Misery and Hunter Maguire come to blows over the vacant FBE Junior Heavyweight Championship in one of the division’s standout matches that year. By that merit, what’s to come between Joshua Epps and Misery right here can only be anticipated as something very, very special.
Both on unquestionably killer (pun intended) runs, God’s Greatest Athlete recording a recent brilliant Television Championship reign and continually being a standout fixture here on Blitz as seen with his fantastic performance in last week’s main event, and Misery mere days away from the breaking the title reign length record with her Junior Title, ruling over the division with an iron fist whilst proving herself just as competent under Pure Rules given her godly win in last week’s opener, there’s no doubt that something special is to go down here between the two. And fighting in front of Pop Hodges himself, expect no punches to be pulled between great allies but perhaps even better foes as both look to impress the legend in what’s surely to be an exhilarating showdown between DTJ’s leading members!
Prompt: Book Josh Alexander's return from injury (Max 1000 Words)
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Bookings are due on April 3rd at 11PM EST, so don’t forget to submit timely and/or report any issues with prompts and deadlines before then. But until then, keep up the fantastic work lads. Pure rules.

So I've managed to lose around 17lbs since the middle of January. I'd lost as much as 26lbs, but I've been gaining and losing the same 9lbs over the last month or so.
I've been following CICO (calories in, calories out) and managed to nail what I was doing, which lead to consistent and quick results, but I keep backsliding.
I know I need to get back on the horse, but I can't seem to get myself out of an eating cycle I'm in. It's not even a binge eating cycle, as I'm not eating the huge unhealthy amounts that I used to, it's just that I'm not sticking with the CICO or moving my body.
My problem is something I call "last suppering". I make a promise to myself that I'm going to have one last high calorie meal, or day, and then I'll get back on track the next day. Having my own indulgent last supper, if you will. But then I wake up, and my brain wants to do it again, and so I do it every day. I don't want to do it anymore but I can't seem to stop myself, so I'm telling you guys about it for accountability. My trigger seems to be whenever I have money e.g. pay day. While I grew up without ever wanting for food, there was a lot of emotional neglect and trauma, and I also watched Mum battle with her weight and the self-loathing it brought. One of my grandparents was very restrictive with food, and kind of did the same to me, when it became evident that I was going to be a chubby tween/teen unlike my sister who was always slim. As a grown up, I experienced poverty, and I think it's a mix of subconscious worries about scarcety, a lot of negative messages about food and about my body as a kid, and binge eating related to trauma.
Since losing around 17lbs I have experienced some amazing benefits. I can walk more easily and without getting out of breath. I love walking, and since becoming so overweight I'd missed the outdoors. I also found that my clothes all fit better, they were all loose, and I went down a dress size. My tummy wasn't bloated, my face shape came back, and I started to look like me again.
To compound things, I had a hard talk with one of my best friends the other night. We'd been out at an event and had a great night, and I was so happy to have been able to stand and dance for three hours, without feeling tired or uncomfortable. But, because I wasn't able to conceal my eating or weight gain from my friend, they started asking questions about how I was getting on and it all came out. Because I've become ill since getting so big (hypertensive crisis and type 2 diabetes, both now medicated) she's been getting worried about what might happen if I don't keep going with my weight loss journey. She said that if I was happy and flourishing at this weight that she wouldn't have mentioned it, but that she can see that I'm unhappy, I'm ill, and that I don't want to be where I am. I appreciated her honesty as it must have been a tough thing to bring up.
So, where we're at, is that my friend has agreed to bring me on a walk that I've always wanted to do, but which I'm currently not fit enough to do, due to its length and involving three hills. I just need to get to a fitness level where I can handle it. She said she'll support me and cheerlead if I share my successes, and remind me of all the work I've done on the issues that got me to this weight.
I am going to get back on plan tomorrow - a fresh new day - and I'm going to start adding in the other bits that I should be doing e.g. a little walking every day. I need to not get distracted by whatever is going on around me. I've decided on an easy, flat, walk that I can do each day. My eating plan and tracking is easy to jump back into. My bluetooth scales await me.
I promise myself - no more last suppering. It's time to do this.

“The lover carves into his soul the model of the beloved. In that way, the soul of the lover becomes the mirror in which the image of the loved one is reflected.” - Marsilio Ficino, Commentary on Plato's Symposium
Nietzsche’s criticisms of Hegel are often conflated with Schopenhauer’s. Often by people who type things like, “I’m in the Schopenhauer camp when it comes to Hegel and his ilk.” In a series of Beeps-and-Boops they copy-and-paste Schopenhauer’s loathing without any of Schopenhauer’s substance (which would require actually engaging with Schopenhauer and Hegel) instead these Thinkers exists as little framed photos on a candle covered shrine in Geocities. Even if they’re correct they’re still wrong and worthy of immediate scorn and derision. We must express the most profound sense of Christian Pity and Charity at the sight of their nakedness.
It’s easy to spiral on this particular subject but unbecoming, revealing, even damning. What they don’t seem to process, is that the seethe and the scolding and the tantrums are in their manner the highest form of compliment either philosopher could muster. That the younger Schopenhauer’s response to Hegel’s semantic blunder should be a kind of ecstatic fury that propelled his career as a philosopher. That Schopenhauer is endearing when he puts pen to paper and writes:
“May Hegel's philosophy of absolute nonsense - three-fourths cash and one-fourth crazy fancies - continue to pass for unfathomable wisdom without anyone suggesting as an appropriate motto for his writings Shakespeare's words: "Such stuff as madmen tongue and brain not," or, as an emblematical vignette, the cuttle-fish with its ink-bag, creating a cloud of darkness around it to prevent people from seeing what it is, with the device: mea caligine tutus. - May each day bring us, as hitherto, new systems adapted for University purposes, entirely made up of words and phrases and in a learned jargon besides, which allows people to talk whole days without saying anything; and may these delights never be disturbed by the Arabian proverb: "I hear the clappering of the mill, but I see no flour." - For all this is in accordance with the age and must have its course.”
Tempestuous little man. Without Hegel’s error what would’ve become of Schopenhauer? Would he have attempted to actively compete against Hegel? Hegel as the Phantom of Eric Roberts in the Killers Miss Atomic Bomb music video? The Other-Ghost, Hegel’s Smirking Geist cucking Schopenhauer, Sophia in his arms, Schopenhauer casts the wedding ring to the ground and runs away. As was the case in respect to Kierkegaard. Cucked out of marriage by the Ghost & Machine. “And it’s all in my head, but she’s touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, LET ME GO. And I just can’t look it’s killing me. And taking control.”
An error is a wound is a mercy.
Nietzsche is different. Unlike Schopenhauer he doesn’t pretend to create a superior metaphysical system (the Platonic Carnivalesque) to rival Hegel’s.
I think the spirit of a Nietzschean critique of Hegel is best exemplified by aphorism 317 in Daybreak,
“The judgment of the evening. - He who reflects on the work he has done during the day and during his life, but does so when he has finished it and is tired, usually arrives at a melancholy conclusion: this however is not the fault of his day or his life, but of his tiredness. - In the midst of our work we usually have no leisure to pass judgment on life and existence, nor in the midst of our pleasures: but if we should happen to do so, we should no longer agree with him who waited for the seventh day and its repose before he decided that everything was very beautiful - he had let the better moment go by.”
Hegel as a Christian Nihilist and the Dialectic as Slave Morality. All finite forms of life attain their truth in the process of self-overcoming. Hegel uses Negativity to pacify an excess of Negativity. Hegel’s System annuls the Abyss. The Truth of any given determination is realized in its exhaustion. This Truth is what Remains. As part of a Whole. Eternal. Defeat for Hegel is what brings us to our Truth. That the subject’s defeat should purify it of its particularities and its impositions. My thoughts are already part of reality. This Knowledge leads to renunciation. I’m no longer attempting to impose or enforce myself on reality, to shape it in the heat of my perverse gaze. I look up at the stars and recognize a series of sores oozing out a brilliant light. In the Beggar’s Eye I see Christ. Saint Lazarus draped in indigo rags surrounded by dogs. In the Eyes of the King of the World, Christ. In the Illness the Cure. In the Poison the Medicine.
Hegel stands next to his student, the student looks up at the starry sky in awe. “They are the abode of the blessed.” Hegel grumbles, “The stars, hum! Hum! The stars are only a gleaming leprosy in the sky.’” Like Lorde, he never watches the stars because there’s so much down here. As he puts it in one lecture,
“The human being is this Night, this empty nothing which contains everything in its simplicity - a wealth of infinitely many representations, images, none of which occur to it directly, and none of which are not present. This [is] the Night; the interior of [human] nature, existing here - pure Self - [and] in phantasmagoric representations it is night everywhere: here a bloody head suddenly shoots up and there another white shape, only to disappear as suddenly. We see this Night when we look a human being in the eye, looking into a Night which turns, terrifying. [For from his eyes] the night of the world hangs out towards us.”
Let us then briefly think with Hegel whose underling problem is, from the very beginning of his thought, that of love.
What is Blue?
According to Goethe in his Theory of Colors,
“As yellow is always accompanied with light, so it may be said that blue still brings a principle of darkness with it.
This color has a peculiar and almost indescribable effect on the eye. As a hue it is powerful — but it is on the negative side, and in its highest purity is, as it were, a stimulating negation. Its appearance, then, is a kind of contradiction between excitement and repose.
As the upper sky and distant mountains appear blue, so a blue surface seems to retire from us.
But as we readily follow an agreeable object that flies from us, so we love to contemplate blue — not because it advances to us, but because it draws us after it.
Blue gives us an impression of cold, and thus, again, reminds us of shade. We have before spoken of its affinity with black.
Rooms which are hung with pure blue, appear in some degree larger, but at the same time empty and cold.
The appearance of objects seen through a blue glass is gloomy and melancholy.”
Goethe and a defense of Goethe’s critique of Newton’s Opticks unites Hegel and Schopenhauer. That color is produced by light and by what stands against it. Goethe who said that were the eye not of the sun how could we behold the light. Brilliant in the poetic continuity this expresses. A golden chain from Empedocles to Plato and Aristotle to the Stoics and so on. Summarized here elegantly by the physicist Arthur Zajonc, “the interior light coalesces with daylight, like to like, forming thereby a single homogenous body of light. That body, a marriage of inner light and outer, forges a link between the objects of the world and the soul. It becomes the bridge along which the subtle motions of an exterior object may pass, causing the sensation of sight.” Aristotle proposed the existence of a Proton Organon or Primary Instrument, an organ of congealed pneuma, located in the heart, that reconciles the division between the sensible and the intelligible. The Stoics would go on the rename this Mercurial (both volatile-subtle and fixed) Instrument, the Hegemonikon, the synthesizer or icon-maker. Whose function is to produce phantasms. The instrument through which the soul transmits all vital activities to the body and also the body’s way of capturing the sensations from the five senses and translating them into phantasms or images that could be understood by the soul.
The Lover longing loving unrequited. Smiling like she means it. Being-thrown into this World. Never fully at home, refracted, out of joint. That this affliction is our common inheritance. I think this is our patrimony. We are the heirs of this Abyss. It is to some degree I think fundamentally "Western" fundamentally "Romantic". Regardless of political opinion or alignment. It speaks to us. Through us. Perhaps it's because the Republic of Letters is largely comprised of Melancholic Perverts. Nostalgia or homesickness, as a longing for a reality which can only be possessed through the imagination and through the dream, the genuine site of anamnesis or recollection in the unreal. Evoking for us the movement of the soul described by the Venetian Magician-Philosopher Guilio Camillo; descending through the Lunar Gate of Cancer (of man), drinking from the cup of Bacchus and, depending on how much one imbibes, forgetting about all the things ‘up there’ before making our way back through the Saturnine Gate of Capricorn (of the gods). Tightrope walking to Luna. I see her so very clearly. My Corporeal Dasha, Giordano Bruno would rebuke me harshly, that I should Simp as I do for "these eyes, these ears, this blush, this tongue, this tooth, this hair, this dress, this coat, this little shoe .. . , this sun in eclipse, this crazy person, this slut, this stench, this deathbed, this privy, this mensturation, this corpse... which, by means of a superficial appearance, a shadow, a phantasm, a dream, a Circe-like charm in the service of procreation, deceives us by taking the form of beauty." Fuck it. Yet there is an Image behind the Image, a Woman behind my woman. The Platonic Dasha. Daria the Luminous Homunculi. Madonna Intelligenza who has served as a guide throughout this journey. “Keep your eyes on me.” I wobble on the tightrope, your eyes are what kept me, you and your rose-wreathed heart lit. A Unity-of-Opposites. Georges Bataille writes in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, “The image through which, in an instant, destiny has become alive thus finds itself projected into a world foreign to everyday agitation. The woman toward whom a man is draw, as to his human destiny, no longer belongs to the space that money controls. Her sweetness escapes the real world, through which she moves without allowing herself to be any more imprisoned than a dream. Misfortune would ravage the spirit anyone who lets himself be possessed by the need to reduce her.”
On Love Hegel writes, “Since love is a sensing of something living, lovers can be distinct only in so far as they are mortal and do not look upon this possibility of separation as if there were really a separation or as if reality were a sort of conjunction between possibility and existence. In the lovers there is no matter; they are a living whole.” That the Unity of Love is informed precisely by the division or difference between the Lover and the Beloved. The Union of Love, “…can remain so only as long as the separate lovers are opposed solely in the sense that the one loves and the other is loved, i.e., that each separate lover is one organ in a living whole.”
Here we might ponder Hegel’s Philosophy as a Philosophy of Death. The vespers-born melancholy conclusion is perhaps being that all Love is Unrequited. As Marsilio Ficino notes in his Commentary on Plato’s Symposium, “Insofar as it is death, it is bitter, and insofar it is voluntary, it is sweet. He who loves dies; for his consciousness, oblivious of himself, is devoted exclusively to the loved one, and a man who is not conscious of himself is certainly not conscious in himself. Therefore, a soul that is so affected, does not function in itself, because the primary function of the soul is consciousness…. Therefore, the unrequited lover lives nowhere; he is completely dead.”
Blue the color of Sulfur ignited. Blue the color of the Ocean of the Dead, of Dasein. The blue knees of a prayerful lover and the blue lips of the lovelorn fool, “Here’s to my love - O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. - Thus with a kiss I die.” That the smell of bitter almonds should remind the good doctor of unrequited love.
Such a melancholy conclusion can only be produced by a proper melancholic. Melancholy was regarded by Ficino as one of seven exemptions in which the bond between body and soul was weakened, allowing the soul to take flight and acquire the gifts of premonition and clairvoyance. Saint Albertus Magnus writes of the two kinds of melancholy. Hot melancholy and its two primary effects on the subject’s phantasmic activity he describes thusly,
“The first consists in the mobility of the phantasms within the subtle organism: the second, in the great capacity of phantasms to stay impressed upon the pneuma. This brings with it, besides a prodigious memory, an extraordinary capacity for analysis. This is why, Ficino tells us, 'all the great man who have ever excelled in an art have been melancholic. Either because they were born so or become so through assiduous meditation.”
Philosophy begins with this Unhappy Consciousness. The Alienated Soul lithe and loveless, which is the consciousness of self as a divided nature, a doubled and merely contradictory being. Dissatisfied with its Self and the World it retreats inward, like a Nymph fleeing Pan, fleeing into Reflection, which might likewise take the form of a fleeing into Nature (think Thoreau’s Walden). Herein is the mirk. This Narcissistic dialectic between Subject and Phantasmata. The Ouroboric Narcissism of the Beautiful Soul.
Another affliction associated with Melancholy is Hysteria. The Psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan refers to Hegel as the most Sublime Hysteric. The Hysteric asks questions because they experience their own desire as if it were the desire of the Other.
The Spirit retreats into a pre-rational state of life, a Life of Feeling, that this feeling expresses a movement in which the soul is no longer simply natural, but able to realize a mastery over itself.
“Finally, in the “feeling of self,” the individual becomes “a sensitive totality.” But the gradual formation of the ‘I’ is paradoxically accompanied by a loss of fluidity, leading to “ruin and disaster within the conscious spirit.” This crisis results from the fact that the subject, being constituted in a free relation to the self, feels at the same time like ‘another’, and this tension pushes it into a state of ‘trembling’ (durchzittern).” The Future of Hegel, Plasticity, Temporality, Dialectics, Catherine Malabou.
How does Hegel escape? Or perhaps more accurately how can we escape this trap? This Pneumatic Mirror-World. Of Subject-Mirror-Phantasmata. The Romantic Prison? Of one who learns of Love in order to be Loveless? Hold that thought.
Returning to the color blue, the psychologist James Hillman writes in Alchemical Psychology,
“This is the realm of the alchemical (kyanos, blue; kynos, dog); blue takes on a dog-like quality: hangdog and dirty dog, both. Why does depression seek porn? For arousal? For Eros and Priapos and Venus to come to life? Rather, I think, to maintain the depression, to re-direct the verticality of desire downward and backward (doggy fashion), clipping the wings of eros. Pornography - an opus contra naturam, a counter-instinct of the psyche, perverting the conventionally natural, enslaving, torturing; an erotics of despair.
To translate these esoteric references into the blue dog’s perverse obsessions we discover this: Invisible Hades appears in the world as Dionysus. There is a divine (i.e., invisible, unfathomable) impulse that seeks to enter ordinary life. It wants to know the soul in the Biblical sense. Carnal knowledge, intimate knowledge, knowledge of intimates. (Hence the innumerable images of copulation throughout alchemy.) The soul longs for this copulation, and sings its longing in the blues, blueing its own flesh, drawing the divine down into the ordinary body. (Hence the blues’ libidinous mood.)”
My Cup Overfloweth.
Pure thinking-subjectivity is phantasmological or hauntological. The role of the Phantasmata in the context of medieval philosophy, is described exquisitely by Mauricio Loza in The Hounds of Actaeon. The Phantasm or Phantom is understood “as a mental image with effects reaching not only the level of perception but that of social construction, the phantasm exists in the twilight between the objective and the subjectivity, the material and the immaterial, a zone of indistinction between reality and unreality. This is why the phantasm pulls us towards the twilight from whence it comes: Its central action is to drag us into the shadow of the world.”
Minerva’s Owls unfurls its wings only with the falling of dusk.
For the great Persian scholar Avicenna, sensory phantasms were processed through five virtues or powers corresponding to five cavities in the cranium; phantasy or common sense, imagination, cogitative virtue, the estimative virtue, and finally the reminiscent virtue. According to Georgio Agamben in his work Stanzas: Word and Phantasm in Western Culture, Avicenna conceives of this gradation through the inner senses as a "progressive 'disrobing' (denudatio) of the phantasm from its material accidents."
Material accidents in this instance, evoking the etymological origins and proliferation into common speech of the word "accident" itself.
Ad - 'towards to' and cadere - 'to fall'. The Latin Accident - 'happening' used in late Middle English to refer to 'an Event'. Used to refer to the parts of the sacred bread and wine that remained after the transubstantiation through the sacrament of The Holy Eucharist,
“Thus, throughout the history of Scholasticism we have to do with a sort of triangle of intellectual forces: Realism and Nominalism fighting a five hundred years’ war, and the Church, in its official capacity, anxiously endeavouring to hold the balance between them. One wonders whether the three parties to this ancient dispute may not have found symbolic expression in Tweedledum, Tweedledee, and the ‘Monstrous Crow’ of nursery legend. But it is no disparagement of the intellects of that day to say that to us the chief interest of their polemics lies in the many new and accurate instruments of thought with which they provided us. The common word accident is an excellent example. We use it every day without realizing that it was only imported from Latin by the indefatigable efforts of the Schoolmen to reconcile the doctrine of Realism with the Catholic dogma of Transubstantiation. The accidents, when they first came into the English language, meant that part of the sacred bread and wine which remained after the substance had been transmuted into the body and blood of Christ.” History in English Words, Owen Barfield
Here we see a process of Pneuma returning to Pneuma through this process of Rising and Falling. That the Absolute Idea is a Radiant Star. That the Phantasm undergoes a kind of purification process, from the sensible to the spiritual to the mnemonic. That this purification entails a kind of excremental remainder. A material accident. An excess which goes?
This brings to mind the question that the Sophist Parmenides (in Plato's Parmenides) raises to Socrates, which forces Socrates to admit to his own limitations. It utterly stumps the Apostate Tragedian. That being whether or not there is an eidos or Pure Idea of the lowest material things. Things like excrement and dust and I might add these eyes, these ears, this blush, this tongue, this tooth, this hair, this dress, this coat, this little shoe .. . , this sun in eclipse, this crazy person, this slut, this stench, this deathbed, this privy, this mensturation, this corpse...
The Ghost and The Star
Recall the episode with Hegel comparing stars to leprosy sores. This got out around town and Hegel found himself having to address this controversy,
"It has been rumoured round the town that I have compared the stars to a rash on an organism where the skin erupts in an countless mass of red spots: or to an ant-heap in which too, there is Understanding and necessity. In fact, I do rate what is concrete higher than what is abstract, and an animality that develops into no more than a slime, higher than the starry host."
The rock is a rock.
Hegel defines the Domain of Art as the “sensible appearing of the idea”… or the Idea given expression in Sensuous Form. This is to be understood as The Star shining through The Ghost. This opposition between Form and Content. This Contradiction is what animates the Motion of Spirit. From Art towards Philosophy.
She is and is not. Ah wait. I'm not her. But in this regard I am the same and suddenly the Ghost is Concretized.
Alexandre Kojève in his Lectures on the Phenomenology of Spirit writes,
"It is known that Hegel asserted that his knowledge is circular, and that circularity is the necessary and sufficient condition of absolute truth - that is, of complete, universal, and definitive (or "eternal") truth."
The Hysterics quandary finds some resolution. The question of the Other is reflexively transformed into the answer to the question.
"In the Wise Man's absolute Knowledge, each question is its own answer, but is so only because he goes through the totality of questions-answers that forms the entirety of the System. Likewise, in his existence, the Wise Man remains in identity with himself, he is closed up in himself; but he remains in identity with himself because he passes through the totality of others, and is closed up in himself. Which (according to the Phenomenology) means, quite simply, that the only man who can be Wise is a Citizen of the universal and homogeneous State - that is to say, the State of the Tun Aller und Jeder, in which each man exists only through and for the whole, and the whole exists through and for each man."
We return to Self-Consciousness. We're not the same. We're different. Tonight.
Eros pins Pan. Chronos clips Eros’ wings. Compulsion is overcome by Love. Love is overcome by Time. Love can only be actualized and concretized through Time. When it must Dwell in a given Space. This is the Poetic-Plasticity. This is the Commitment.
“Desire has reserved to itself the pure negating of the object and thereby unalloyed feeling of self. This satisfaction, however, just for that reason is itself only a state of evanescence, for it lacks objectivity or subsistence. Labour, on the other hand, is desire restrained and checked, evanescence delayed and postponed; in other words, labour shapes and fashions the thing.” (Phenomenology of Spirit)
We begin with the Problem of Love and in the Problem find the Solution. Love is the Answer to the Question of Love. Loving is to give what one does not have.
Our Unrequited Love is Mutual,
“In fact, there is only one death in mutual love, but there are two resurrections, for a lover dies within himself the moment he forgets about himself, but he returns to life immediately in his loved one as soon as the loved ones embraces him in loving contemplation. He is resurrected once more when he finally recognizes himself in his beloved and no longer doubts that he is loved. O, happy death, which is followed by two loves. O, wondrous exchange in which each gives himself up for the other, and has the other, yet does not cease to have himself.” Commentary on Plato's Symposium, Marsilio Ficino.
To be Overcome is to Animate. This is the Labor of Love. Productive Labor as Art.
You understand why Hegel is so very frustrating? In his System. In the Movement from East to West back East. We find the Heiros Gamos, the Sacred Matrimony of Eros and Sophia, and in this Unity of Opposites the philosopher becomes the Sage. In the production of this Heiros Gamos, Hegel's System becomes the Perfect Pneumatic Circle.
​
I make of Nietzsche a traveling companion through Hegel’s Aesthetics. Why? Because The Birth of Tragedy is crudely Hegelian. Here we find ourselves encountering what is so very frustrating about Hegel and his Pneumatic Circle, his method and his system. From the occultists perspective this is because Hegel’s System is an Artifice of Sacral or Mythic Time, of Cyclical Time. The genuinely infuriating thing is realizing that the Artifice, the “Copy” is in fact the original. This is why some speak of the feminizing effect of Hegel. Feminizing in the way Achilles’ is feminized by Scamander. That not only do we never step in the same river twice and that the river is the site of the Doom-driven Hero’s self-fulfilling prophesy.
As Nietzsche himself puts it, “one cannot refute an eye disease.” I thought it would be stimulating to read The Birth of Tragedy through the lens of Hegel’s Lectures on Aesthetics. Framing Nietzsche and his insights within a Hegelian Tableaux. Nietzsche who denounces Metaphysical Systematization. Demurely objecting he says, “unhand me woman,” with a little blush. Does he mean it? I don’t think it was Hegel’s Dialectical Method or Logic that Nietzsche objected too. Denouncing instead the refraction between the Philosopher and the Logic (an ironic detachment)… that the Philosopher and his Logic are not two separate beings. That for him the Philosopher is Alkahest or Universal Solvent. Body and Soul collapse into a singularity, Art and Artists. No, in a sense Nietzsche celebrates the animating antagonism at the Heart of Hegel’s work. That this refraction is what results in the System which Nietzsche saw as modeling contemporary German Bourgeois fearfulness and timidity simply solidifies into Consensus. “I’m old and I don’t want to be alone.” That the System should be a kind of Metaphysical Prison concretized around the Fiery Pneuma, the brilliance of Hegel’s Esprit.
The application of the Dialectical Method is evidenced throughout The Birth of Tragedy; The Apollonian thesis, the Dionysian antithesis, the Tragic synthesis. Or perhaps in a manner more accurate to Hegel; The Dionysian Abstract, the Apollonian Negation, the Tragic Negation-of-Negation, and the Socratic Concretization.
The section dedicated to a retrospective appraisal of The Birth of Tragedy in Ecce Homo, Nietzsche concludes that all the good things he had ever written about Richard Wagner were actually about him. He was talking about himself the whole time without even realizing it, “"Even psychologically all decisive traits of my own nature are projected into Wagner’s - the close proximity of the brightest and the most calamitous forces, the will to power as no man ever possessed it, the ruthless courage in matters of the spirit, the unlimited power to learn without damage to the will to act.” Poor Nietzsche he who was too high-strung for his own good. Comes to a conclusion paralleling Hegel as it concerns Art, specifically Music. Perhaps one day, there will be Dionysian future for music. But for now, the Pneuma roils through space-and-time, and it culminates in Nietzsche or Zarathustra, as the Last Philosopher or the first Tragic Philosopher. Who despite all the aristocratic pretensions cannot help but write in a popular and accessible manner. Writing into motion the conditions for the Dionysian resurgence he had once thought was being spearheaded by the compositions of Richard Wagner.
He goes so far as to be both Beethoven and Goethe’s response to Beethoven in the anticipation of his works and in the need for them to remain ‘exclusive’ despite their undeniably popular character. Goethe in his old age weeping softly to Beethoven’s sonatas, proclaims “If such music were performed by a large orchestra, it would destroy everything around it.”
The stylish and inspirited Vitalism of Nietzsche’s ruminations is Pneumatic. A red dot in the center of a dark blue sphere.
Dialectics reveals an Infinite Spiral. The Circle divided by a straight-line. Containing the spiral. The straight-line breaks through the circle. Above and Below. Revealing three other spheres. Above the configuration one spiral. Beneath it two spirals; one winding up and the other winding down. On a Hegelian theological note. God the Father and God the Holy Spirit proceed from God the Son. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1.
Here we might locate the Traumatic Temporality of Christianity. The introduction of History. Time as Chronos. With God the Son. Without the historical personage of Jesus Christ, there wouldn’t be a Trinitarian Unity and Division. From God the Son proceeds God the Father and God the Holy Spirit. In this wound we are brought to an awareness of another Time. A Timeless-Time or a Time sans History. “In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God,” a time in which God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit had always been. The Triune God. Whether or not, in this Aionic Time, God the Holy Spirit proceeds from God the Father or from God the Father and God the Son, is the division between East and West.
This Times overlap and nowhere is this more evident than in the anachronisms or perhaps more accurately, the Archeo-modernity, of the romantic painting. Or perhaps further still, in the Ethiopian depiction of Christ, in the Korean depiction of Christ, and in the Italian depiction of Christ. Black Jesus, Asian Jesus, and European Jesus.
As that obscure note by Nietzsche produced by Gilles Deleuze in his work Nietzsche and Philosophy goes, “Universal chaos which excluded all purposeful activity does not contradict the idea of the cycle; for this idea is only an irrational necessity.” Here we see Nietzsche approaching something akin to the Infinite Dialectic realized and developed in Mao Zedong’s contributions to Dialectical and Historical Materialism. As Mao writes in On Contradiction, “The universality or absoluteness of contradiction has a twofold meaning. One is that contradiction exists in the process of development of all things, and the other is that in the process of development of each thing a movement of opposites exists from beginning to end.”
The stylish and inspirited Vitalism of Nietzsche’s ruminations is Pneumatic. Being Pneumatic it is Phantasmic. Here we locate the Girardian critique of Nietzsche. As Nietzsche proclaims in Ecce Homo that everything his was praising Wagner for is in fact praise he was unconsciously directing at himself, at his values or innate dignities, the obverse is true. For Nietzsche every great philosophical work is a confessional, an involuntary and unconscious autobiography. He invents the Overman and by extension the Last Man. Will to Power and Ressentiment. One cannot exist without the other and in Nietzsche they collapse into a singularity (a point worth keeping in mind when we eventually venture into Deleuze and his Anti-Hegelianism). The Last Philosopher. In sum Girard’s contention is that in the production of these Phantasmata, Nietzsche ends up offering to his audience another Scapegoat. The Man of Ressentiment and the Slave Morality. Obviously within Nietzsche the potential for this is treated triumphantly. Nietzsche refuses to have his Poetic Revelry stifled by timorous considerations. That stupid people might read his works and take it as an excuse to persecute Christians or to locate the Man of Ressentiment in their political adversaries. That they might completely forget the contradictions inherent to the very office of “Tragic Philosopher” and how the Vagabond and the Prophet are a singular figure, hybrid and lovelorn and glorious. “If I had power I’d know how to immediately and brutally exercise it.” None of this concerns Nietzsche. People will misinterpret you regardless. Still the points are well worth reflecting on and prove stimulating as we move from the Symbolic-Classical to the Classical-Romantic.

Hello,
I just need to vent so badly because I'm in such a dark hole and I want nothing more than reach out to him and I would do anything to be in his arms right now.
So for context this all started about a year ago. I started a new job and about two months later my manager and I got close he basically came on to me via text and was extremely persistent. He is nearly twice my age btw not sure if this is important but yea I seem to not mind much older men...
Anyways things where ok at first we got along so well. Things took a turn when I wanted to stop being interment and just be more friends because the age gap and power dynamics at work. So we would basically have massive fights almost 1 every week or two about this. He would turn into the most cruel person I have ever met in my life he would basically throw fits and call me names and make sort of "threats" that people would find out about us and he would look like a winner and I'd look so bad. He also went on my computer one time at work and stole my personal photos (nudes) that I had sent to some guy a while before I even started at this new job.
When we would argue he would use it as leverage just sleep with me 5 more times and I will delete them he would say. Or again more "threats" like if my photos got out it wouldn't be on him. He always made me false promises like just get me through this month then I promise we will be friends for life. Or just 5 more times and io be your friend for life ? What's five more times for a life time of friendship? Just get me through the summer, winter sucks let's just get through winter. And that when on for about a year constant highs and lows we would have horrible heated screaming matches and then he would always message me and call me non stop to try to "fix" things. And when we weren't fighting there's almost always non stop communication.
Things got really bad when he started bringing the arguments into work. He would text me all throughout the day if we where arguing trying to convince me of all the reasons I need to be intimate with him and how badly he needed me and wanted me. He was very sexual and would constantly talk about sexual stuff and sexualized me and I felt very wanted by him but it also was too much. He would make me very uncomfortable at work either harassing me with text to convince me to sleep with him or him texting me cruel aweful things basically calling me a whore and making me feel a shamed of past sexual partners. ( Which I know he would do cause he knew it pissed me off) he knew exactly what "triggered* me or got under my skin and anything I had ever confided in him as a friend was used against me.
When we where in an argument fase at work he would go around telling people all about my sex life and paint me out to be a huge slut. ( I'm not ) Mind you he has told me he's slept with over 200 women (according to him) cheated on his wife and ex gf. An over all bad history with women it seems but he is an extreme smooth talked and can talk his way into people pants it seems.
One last thing, he basically needed and expected sex from me once a week so every weekend pretty much and I hated it. I wanted to just be friends and if things got sexual naturally then fine whatever. But he basically refused to be kind or nice to me if he wasn't getting the full package. I think a part of the lack of desire for sex with him was partly because he could only orgasm through BJ and it was just kind of exhausting. Even if I wasn't feeling well like sick he would push and push and push for a bj like I don't think he truly cared about how I felt. Sexual needs clearly were too priority. He would also tell me he loves me and cares about me and respected me but I honestly never felt respected ever he never respected my boundaries and would always push and push for what he wanted even if that ment hurting me.
Anyways, I reached my breaking point last week and broke down at work after he sent me a disgusting text message. I couldn't take it anymore and I hated coming to work. I ended up telling the manager everything and he has now since been fired.
The worst part is I miss him so fucking much it's killing me inside I'm so depressed and I cry every day. I want him to reach out to me so badly but I know right now he probably hates me the most in this world. I can't stop thinking about him and work sucks we are all under alot of stress to fill his shoes until we find a replacement. I hate being at work cause I just feel like I'm waiting for the day to end so I can go and cry. The whole environment at work feels like a trigger I just want to see him, I want him to come back to me. Even tho I was so miserable and unhappy and I wanted him to leave me alone.
I didn't want him out of my life like this but I didn't know what else to do. Work was so ahirry and now I just feel so much worse. I think I need to quit but I'd feel guilty because it would out more stress on everyone but I'm mentally so broken it's scarry.
I don't know that anyone else has ever been in this situation and I just feel so alone and broken and the only person I want is him. I think it's a trauma bond I feel like I need him like a drug. I want to know if he's okay, what he's doing and what he's thinking. I want him to mis me as much as I do I hope he does. I hope he realizes what he's done but I gueanteed he thinks he is the victim in ll of this.
I just want to feel like me again and feel happy to be alive this is truly killing me. I can't eat and I feel so broken. He was such a huge part of my life and now there's nothing.
Any advice would be much appreciated

Hello,
I just need to vent so badly because I'm in such a dark hole and I want nothing more than reach out to him and I would do anything to be in his arms right now.
So for context this all started about a year ago. I started a new job and about two months later my manager and I got close he basically came on to me via text and was extremely persistent. He is nearly twice my age btw not sure if this is important but yea I seem to not mind much older men...
Anyways things where ok at first we got along so well. Things took a turn when I wanted to stop being interment and just be more friends because the age gap and power dynamics at work. So we would basically have massive fights almost 1 every week or two about this. He would turn into the most cruel person I have ever met in my life he would basically throw fits and call me names and make sort of "threats" that people would find out about us and he would look like a winner and I'd look so bad. He also went on my computer one time at work and stole my personal photos (nudes) that I had sent to some guy a while before I even started at this new job.
When we would argue he would use it as leverage just sleep with me 5 more times and I will delete them he would say. Or again more "threats" like if my photos got out it wouldn't be on him. He always made me false promises like just get me through this month then I promise we will be friends for life. Or just 5 more times and io be your friend for life ? What's five more times for a life time of friendship? Just get me through the summer, winter sucks let's just get through winter. And that when on for about a year constant highs and lows we would have horrible heated screaming matches and then he would always message me and call me non stop to try to "fix" things. And when we weren't fighting there's almost always non stop communication.
Things got really bad when he started bringing the arguments into work. He would text me all throughout the day if we where arguing trying to convince me of all the reasons I need to be intimate with him and how badly he needed me and wanted me. He was very sexual and would constantly talk about sexual stuff and sexualized me and I felt very wanted by him but it also was too much. He would make me very uncomfortable at work either harassing me with text to convince me to sleep with him or him texting me cruel aweful things basically calling me a whore and making me feel a shamed of past sexual partners. ( Which I know he would do cause he knew it pissed me off) he knew exactly what "triggered* me or got under my skin and anything I had ever confided in him as a friend was used against me.
When we where in an argument fase at work he would go around telling people all about my sex life and paint me out to be a huge slut. ( I'm not ) Mind you he has told me he's slept with over 200 women (according to him) cheated on his wife and ex gf. An over all bad history with women it seems but he is an extreme smooth talked and can talk his way into people pants it seems.
One last thing, he basically needed and expected sex from me once a week so every weekend pretty much and I hated it. I wanted to just be friends and if things got sexual naturally then fine whatever. But he basically refused to be kind or nice to me if he wasn't getting the full package. I think a part of the lack of desire for sex with him was partly because he could only orgasm through BJ and it was just kind of exhausting. Even if I wasn't feeling well like sick he would push and push and push for a bj like I don't think he truly cared about how I felt. Sexual needs clearly were too priority. He would also tell me he loves me and cares about me and respected me but I honestly never felt respected ever he never respected my boundaries and would always push and push for what he wanted even if that ment hurting me.
Anyways, I reached my breaking point last week and broke down at work after he sent me a disgusting text message. I couldn't take it anymore and I hated coming to work. I ended up telling the manager everything and he has now since been fired.
The worst part is I miss him so fucking much it's killing me inside I'm so depressed and I cry every day. I want him to reach out to me so badly but I know right now he probably hates me the most in this world. I can't stop thinking about him and work sucks we are all under alot of stress to fill his shoes until we find a replacement. I hate being at work cause I just feel like I'm waiting for the day to end so I can go and cry. The whole environment at work feels like a trigger I just want to see him, I want him to come back to me. Even tho I was so miserable and unhappy and I wanted him to leave me alone.
I didn't want him out of my life like this but I didn't know what else to do. Work was so ahirry and now I just feel so much worse. I think I need to quit but I'd feel guilty because it would out more stress on everyone but I'm mentally so broken it's scarry.
I don't know that anyone else has ever been in this situation and I just feel so alone and broken and the only person I want is him. I think it's a trauma bond I feel like I need him like a drug. I want to know if he's okay, what he's doing and what he's thinking. I want him to mis me as much as I do I hope he does. I hope he realizes what he's done but I gueanteed he thinks he is the victim in ll of this.
I just want to feel like me again and feel happy to be alive this is truly killing me. I can't eat and I feel so broken. He was such a huge part of my life and now there's nothing.
Any advice would be much appreciated

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this, Advice and relationships wouldn't allow my post because it contains links. Anway, here I go:
Hi, I'm a 29 year old straight cis-gender male who has never had a wife, fiancée, or girlfriend despite having had many crushes/obsessions where I believed I was in love at the time. Every single time I put my foot out there but it ultimately doesn't work out. I have multiple theories about what might be wrong with me, most revolving around my personality (I'm 5'11" and have always been upper middle class so I don't think height or money are my problem). My looks with glasses on are below average but I've seen uglier men with girlfriends so I think the thing that is really killing me is my personality. Anyway, potential reasons I've thought of include the following:

1. I am narcissistic (but I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder because there are multiple symptoms of that disorder and I only have like 1 or 2 out of 6 or 7 and no psychiatrist or therapist has ever diagnosed me with it).
   
2. I am completely self-interested.
   
3. I am completely selfish (I mean I sometimes give homeless people spare cash but I just do it because it makes me feel happy).
   
4. I only care about myself and what I go through. Like sometimes on a dating app a woman will ask me how am I and I will respond saying something like "I'm in pain and depressed" and she'll be like "yikes" and unmatch me. Here are some examples of me on a dating app.
   
5. I briefly feel love (like when I pet my pet) and I may think I'm in love at the time (like when I have a crush), but I don't truly love others and only love myself. I've had crushes where I believed I loved them at the time but then they ghosted me and after I realized it wasn't real love.
   
6. I am exclusively obsessed with myself.
   

I don't know which of these is true, but I'm hoping someone else can look at me and my messaging with women who I've had a crush on in the past and figure it out. For example, here is an Instagram chat with a woman I was smitten with in the past. There is more info in the title and in the descriptions below the screenshots. Eventually she stops responding (she actually reads my messages and doesn't reapond like 4 or 5 times in those screenshots). In case extra back context is necessary, my first few messages ever with her are here.
I don't know if this helps you understand me better, but like my social media posts tend to focus on me rather than other people. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but for example on Instagram I saw my cousin make a story that said "Post your gf/bf, they deserve it" with a picture of his girlfriend smiling and I replied to that story with my own story with that same comment at the top and a picture of my right hand, post visible here. The song in the background of that post, "Orgy for One" by NSP is a comedy song about a guy who invites a large number of girls over for an orgy but nobody shows up so he has an "Orgy for One" with his hand. I like that song and the post is supposed to be funny and also speak my truth. I think it might also give a clue about my personality.
Another example of how my social media is kind of completely self-interested is on yesterday, Trans Day of Visibility (March 31), I posted this on Facebook:
"March 31 is #TransDayOfVisibility. To celebrate, I'm sharing my favorite trans woman and trans man social influencers.
This is Kelly. She's hot, even by completely straight man standards:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cqbwk0SAlzJ/
This is Kelsy. He was actually born intersex, or with a vagina but also XY chromosomes, and transitioned from outwardly appearing female to outwardly appearing male:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cof4DczsuVs/
But yeah, trans people are valid."
I feel like if I were a "normie" Democrat who wanted to make a post for trans day of visibility I would have instead posted something like this, but this isn't how I really am:
"Happy #TransDayOfVisibility!!! Today we acknowledge all the wonderful trans people in the world and in our lives and how much they matter to us. They are beautiful and they are special and we love them ❤️❤️❤️!!!"
I dunno, that's just not how I really am but I believe people who are like that have more and better relationships than I do. Like if I posted that or acted like that it would be totally fake and out of character.
But yeah, can anyone pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me? Maybe let me know which of my theories/reasons for things not working out is most true and is my real problem?
TL;DR! No woman will fuck me or get into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me no matter how much I try, why?

Well, I decided to rewatch some of the show, and wow, what was I thinking back then? What's wrong with me? I can't believe I had those opinions like that, I've changed though, for the better, now I am smarter and far better thinking. Anyways, here are some of my opinion changes
• Lightning is awful
Yep you heard me, my supposed "favourite" TD character ever, I hate him now, idk why I found him so funny back then because he's literally not, in fact, it's so hard to laugh at him that I couldn't physically laugh at any scene he was on no matter if he was doing nothing or not, they made him insufferable and unfunny on episode 12 and somehow makes the finale??? Where's the Zoey vs Cameron finale everyone wanted, get a clue writers 🙄, so glad Cameron beat the shit out of him, hope he's homeless now because he disappointed his father
• Samkota is a terrible, overrated ship
I said it, what do you guys see in this, realistically, Dakota wouldn't want to date someone like Sam, if you think she would, then maybe you need to get a better clue of real life! It's pretty clear that Sam only cared about Dakota because she became a full ass monster too, shame on that loser!
• Derrie is amazing
I don't understand the hatred for this ship! It's so good, in their defense, they're friends for 14 years, obviously Carrie is gonna feel a little impatient, it's flaws afterall hahaha, also after episode 19 is their highlight, Devin finally realizes he likes Carrie in a way that feels genuine and definitely not rushed like some losers say 😂 (I'd point out names but I am not that cruel u/chuck_is_dead_vay_aq you suck please leave this sub), and their kiss definitely feels earned, idk why people complain about them getting too much screentime, I thought it was perfect time for them to go! No, THEY SHOULD'VE BEEN FINALISTS BUT SMELLY FRESHTV CHANGED IT FOR NO REASON OVER THE LAME SURFERS, it's just really amazing and overhated
Coderra too, I mean, what's not fun about seeing about being stalked by your no 1. superfan, really Cody? Have you got no shame? Ugh, idiot, should've given her a chance (especially the way she behaves in All-Stars, queen 👑)
Speaking of Cody, it's his birthday today, which makes sense since he's a clown
Other mentions, being that I started to care about Ripper x Scary Girl, I think that ship is lame now, why do people love it again? I am gonna appreciate my new favourite now, #AXELFTW
PI Chris is the best Chris and arguably the best incarnation, he's funny, fun and the way he torments Dave makes me laugh out loud 😂😂😂, god tier comedy
Anyways, these are my opinion changes, I wonder what happened to me back then because wow, I had so many bad takes I changed now, so yea, that's all, have a nice day ig
Happy April Fools, mods please don't kill me over the Cody bad joke it was totally a prank hahahaha 😅, happy birthday Cody!

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this, Advice and relationships wouldn't allow my post because it contains links. Also, I'm aware that this is a gay men's sub but I think my issues would be visible to anyone who understands people. Anway, here I go:
Hi, I'm a 29 year old straight cis-gender male who has never had a wife, fiancée, or girlfriend despite having had many crushes/obsessions where I believed I was in love at the time. Every single time I put my foot out there but it ultimately doesn't work out. I have multiple theories about what might be wrong with me, most revolving around my personality (I'm 5'11" and have always been upper middle class so I don't think height or money are my problem). My looks with glasses on are below average but I've seen uglier men with girlfriends so I think the thing that is really killing me is my personality. Anyway, potential reasons I've thought of include the following:

1. I am narcissistic (but I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder because there are multiple symptoms of that disorder and I only have like 1 or 2 out of 6 or 7 and no psychiatrist or therapist has ever diagnosed me with it).
   
2. I am completely self-interested.
   
3. I am completely selfish (I mean I sometimes give homeless people spare cash but I just do it because it makes me feel happy).
   
4. I only care about myself and what I go through. Like sometimes on a dating app a woman will ask me how am I and I will respond saying something like "I'm in pain and depressed" and she'll be like "yikes" and unmatch me. Here are some examples of me on a dating app.
   
5. I briefly feel love (like when I pet my pet) and I may think I'm in love at the time (like when I have a crush), but I don't truly love others and only love myself. I've had crushes where I believed I loved them at the time but then they ghosted me and after I realized it wasn't real love.
   
6. I am exclusively obsessed with myself.
   

I don't know which of these is true, but I'm hoping someone else can look at me and my messaging with women who I've had a crush on in the past and figure it out. For example, here is an Instagram chat with a woman I was smitten with in the past. There is more info in the title and in the descriptions below the screenshots. Eventually she stops responding (she actually reads my messages and doesn't reapond like 4 or 5 times in those screenshots). In case extra back context is necessary, my first few messages ever with her are here.
I don't know if this helps you understand me better, but like my social media posts tend to focus on me rather than other people. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but for example on Instagram I saw my cousin make a story that said "Post your gf/bf, they deserve it" with a picture of his girlfriend smiling and I replied to that story with my own story with that same comment at the top and a picture of my right hand, post visible here. The song in the background of that post, "Orgy for One" by NSP is a comedy song about a guy who invites a large number of girls over for an orgy but nobody shows up so he has an "Orgy for One" with his hand. I like that song and the post is supposed to be funny and also speak my truth. I think it might also give a clue about my personality.
Another example of how my social media is kind of completely self-interested is on yesterday, Trans Day of Visibility (March 31), I posted this on Facebook:
"March 31 is #TransDayOfVisibility. To celebrate, I'm sharing my favorite trans woman and trans man social influencers.
This is Kelly. She's hot, even by completely straight man standards:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cqbwk0SAlzJ/
This is Kelsy. He was actually born intersex, or with a vagina but also XY chromosomes, and transitioned from outwardly appearing female to outwardly appearing male:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cof4DczsuVs/
But yeah, trans people are valid."
I feel like if I were a "normie" Democrat who wanted to make a post for trans day of visibility I would have instead posted something like this, but this isn't how I really am:
"Happy #TransDayOfVisibility!!! Today we acknowledge all the wonderful trans people in the world and in our lives and how much they matter to us. They are beautiful and they are special and we love them ❤️❤️❤️!!!"
I dunno, that's just not how I really am but I believe people who are like that have more and better relationships than I do. Like if I posted that or acted like that it would be totally fake and out of character.
But yeah, can anyone pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me? Maybe let me know which of my theories/reasons for things not working out is most true and is my real problem?
TL;DR! No woman will fuck me or get into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me no matter how much I try, why?

Table of content
Foreword
Part 1 Sources
Part 2 Theory about the supernatural plot
Part 3 Chronology of the events (see comments spoilers : Reddit software considers it goes over 40000 characters even if I count around 30000 )

FOREWORD

Having played the game in its original version last week I felt at the same time charmed by the gameplay/mood and kinda puzzled/frustrated by the story. I will add my review in a different post.
Looking around to find an explanation, I didnt find anything really consistent. In fact I found other people sharing the same frustration toward the elusive plot.
But I did find out there was a director's cut version and ended up watching long parts of a video walkthrough of the DC version. Even if the game plot still remains fairly elusive , It turned out to be a lot more complete/rounded up and it strenghtened my reading of the plot.
Comparing key moments of both versions, I ended up figuring out a narrative that would make sense of the plot. So to be perfectly clear, this is a spoiler full guide for people who ended up frustrated by the mysteries of the game. I DISADVISE READING IF YOU HAVENT PLAYED THE GAME.
I will refer to the original game as OG and the Director's cut as DC. When I dont mention anything it normally means that the quote stays the same in both version. A few words about DC itself from the author itself
https://adventuregamers.com/forums/viewthread/15566/P90
From the author Krusbert in 2021
“All the story changes I made to the game was to improve overall plot cohesion, fix pacing problems, tie up loose ends in the narrative and to establish a stronger background lore for more stories with Kathy
Hopefully that doesn’t feel like too much of a cop out, but trust that each cut was made deliberately and after careful consideration.”
​
I wont get in all changes of the DC but here are a few : lily ghost and the grey double of the Crimson one seem to disappear , the grey man in dream day 3 is completely substituted by the crimson man , performing the exact same role with the boy and the painting , A Great Eye appears on screen in the abyss.
overall DC version simplifies/eliminate obscure part , stresses some part/adds more specific details to convey its secret plot in much more accessible way
but in some part, the writer seems to have partly changed the mystic plot : especially regarding Lily fate, Father Isaac answers on day 4 changed dramatically. So this theory adopts mostly the view of the DC version with a few elements of the OG version to cast some additional light.
​

PART 1 SOURCES OF INFORMATION ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL PLOT

You have 6 sources of mystic information
but some might not be reliable or only partly reliable
*Jimmy Cochran (on tape and on day 4) . They are several characteristics that make him the prime authority about the plot.
*Father bill notes/tape :
Partly unreliable base on Jimmy Cochran opinion. His tape is considerably expanded in DC .
*Priest Isaac you met him on day 1,3 but he becomes especially open once he’s arrested on day 4 Very unreliable based on various elements
*The Crimson man (and indirectly his Grey double in dreams of day 2 and 3 in OG version)
*Lily who appears only in OG Version on Day 5 in the Abyss toward the end
* Joseph Rain at the end in both OG and DC version
​

PART 2 THEORY ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL PLOT/LORE

The supernatural plot can be summarized in 3 key ideas.
1-The lights/below dimension are real but not divine, simply dangerous natural phenomenon
2- the below distorts desires and fears : Father Bill and Isaac are tormented people with a religious mindset that reshapes the below
3- the below also distorts time : time loops and foretelling ability / Lily

SECTION 1-the lights, the below dimension and the red flowers are real dangerous phenomenon.

1.1 the lights are not hallucination, they are real
We have a photo taken by Jimmy Cochran and found in Joseph Rain briefcase on day 1 and developed on day 2 that proves they're real.
-But they are not divine, they are a dangerous natural phenomenon
Jimmy : the lights are neither divine nor unholy. They are but a distortion of ourselves
Joseph on a tape you recover on day 4 expands considerably on their nature in DC version :
I have come to believe that the glowing lights are burst of energy, similar to the static discharge that cause lightning . However instead of a positive and a negative electric charge , the colliding forces have a dimensional nature. Assuming this hypothesis is correct, the lights would only appear at the edge of the zone.
Their nature is much more arguable in OG but in DC they first and foremost are a sign you ‘re at the limit of the zone where the treshold is : the dark pit where your mind can enter another dimension. The source/below (what the church call the holy of holies).
Being a place of collision between the dimensions touching the lights can have disastrous consequences depending on the invididual.
1.2 The red flowers
Their consumption allow to properly enter the below dimension. By extension they are the real link to this alternate dimension. That’s why Kathy burns them at the end in order to cut off the source.
Joseph DC version on day 5 : I've come to understand the red flowers anchor this realm to the real world
1.3 The below/source/cradle of obscurity/ the holy of holies
it is a essentially a distorted mirror of our own dimension.

Section 2- The below distorts our fears and desires

intro - the fundamentally twisted nature of the below
Jimmy (talking about the lights) they are but twisted reflection of us. Everything we long for and desire
Joseph DC version : it takes each of your fears , every source of guilt and turns them against us
In DC version when Kathy opens her aborted child coffin, the Crimson man makes a difference between people : his kind like broken people like her who can be mended/who embrace them -Kathy is conflicted with his anger toward her father, her guilt toward her mother and aborted kid.
Happy go lucky people like Kathy's friend Eileen are simply “greedy little piglets that seem to get away ". Same goes for Nathan.
The below needs tormented people to work
Speaking of which…
2-1-Father Bill and his son Isaac are tormented person whose own religious desires/fears are distorted inside the below/source/cradle creating the Crimson man/ the Old god and making this place what we see in the game
Again Jimmy points out how the church of the holy trinity is wrong, calling them "misguided faithful" and stating "the lights are neither divine nor unholy".
But let's wind black the clock to the genesis of the Church in spring 71
Bill had 2 sons : Joshua and Isaac - Now those are very religious name . You don't name give those kind of name twice by accident.
But even more interesting is that the Price family mausoleum shows that Joshua was born in 61 and Isaac in 59. So it seems to strongly imply that BEFORE Bill even became a pastor, back when was still a traveling salesman, he had already a very religious mind.
-Also both Father Bill and his son Isaac are shown to be very conflicted individual
concerning Father Bill and the creation of the church , his own son Isaac expressedly established he was a conflicted individual at the time of the incident

this day was different. My father held dark thoughts in his mind. He was angry, thinking of evil deeds, even considering swerving off the road into a rock and ending it all. Then suddenly, divine intervention! three bright lights appeared.

not only that but upon hearing Father Bill tape on day 4 ) in DC version (where it becomes much more expressive than OG) , Kathy specifically exclaims "Jeez, Father Bills was a nutty! "
Isaac shows even stronger inner conflict - not only he commits suicide out of desperation after hearing his father disapproval , he was already a conflicted individual in his youth oh yes I was a teenager back then, full of rebellion, every fiber of my being wanting to distance myself from my father
2-2 the Crimson one is Isaac reborn after suicide
It might seem surprising because Isaac exists at the same time as Isaac and even condemns the Crimson one. Now let’s put aside the mechanics of how it works for a moment. There are 5 proofs of the identity of the Crimson one
*2-2-1 Jimmy “Let's go see the man you reunited with his family” on day 4
Jimmy speaks in riddles when interrogated by Kathy on day 4. But when it comes to the Crimson man Jimmy describes him in a very odd and specific way “Let's go see the man you reunited with his family”. It is extremely relevant to Isaac situation.
-Isaac family are all dead based on the Price familial mausoleum . There are 8 graves. Isaac grave is the ONLY ONE without a death date.
- Kathy makes Isaac hear the tape of his father disapproval of his actions, leading to his suicide which indeed “reunite him with his family” since they’re all dead
-The tv in jail /father billy even says “Welcome home son” when Isaac kills himself.
* 2-2-2 the portrait of father bill crying blood on day 4
when Kathy touches the lights on day 4: she has a vision of the Crimson man issuing mockery statement about victims that make Father Bill portrait cry blood
In DC version the content of the tape left by father Bill in the safe behind the portrait is made much more explicit than in OG

my visions concerning my sons are troubling ... I've watched them become corrupted with pride, turning their backs on the very foundations of our faith ... I've seen great sins committed : Act of violence and intimidation ,. Outsiders brought to hallowed ground with neither reverence nor ritual “ there are dark dreams indeed. I pray that they never come to pass, lest my soul shall weep tears of blood

this is Father Bill vision about Isaac come to pass.
*2-2-3 -Jimmy in OG version on day 4 says the Crimson man is a great ally of Joseph
At face value it seems very confusing considering Joseph very much wants to close the source.
It makes a lot more sense when you consider Isaac had huge respect for Joseph. here's what Isaac says of Joseph on day 3
He and my father did charity work together, Joseph was around a lot when I was young. Joseph was the person who convinced me to become a priest Jospeh made me realize my sinful pride and showed me how I should follow my heart , regardless of what others might think. And for that I am eternally grateful.
2-2-4 : The crimson one is repeatedly referred as having no name/ lost his name.
-The crimson man wheen he meets Kathy on day 3 says his name has been taken from him
that's because the Crimson man exist at the same time as Isaac (as for the why we're going to talk about time in Kathy Rain) : so he cannot call himself Isaac anymore.
specifically in DC it's added on the tape of Father Bill on day 4 the Crimson one is described in the following way only he is poised to understand the struggle of those who are lost : the broken and guilt ridden .To have no name is to have a shattered spirit.
*2-2-5 he looks vaguely like an hairless version of Isaac with black eyes
​
2-3 As for the Old God it is arguably Father Bill himself.
in DC version there is the appearance of a great red eye
the Crimson one talks with a great red eye on tv on day 2 , the great red eye appears again on tv on day 5
And Isaac describes Father bill trial in the following way :
under the watchful gaze of his GREAT EYE, God tested father's faith in countless ways. Fueled by conviction and a sense of purpose, Father persevered.
in OG it is pointed out that Father Bill ascended to unite with God. In OG it's the ultimate goal of the mending. in OG Father bill notes have specifically notes with initial in front of the description of people who ascended : it is marked "FB ?" in blue.
Also the TV in the prison seem to be Father Bill speaking since he says "welcome home son" when Isaac commits suicide. The Prison TV echoes the tv in the below which shows the Great Eye.
2-4 the agenda is nothing but a twisted version of christian theology and rites
2-4-1 the Mending, a hardcore twist on the Christian idea of salvation
to Kathy question once Isaac is in jail what is your church really about Isaac ? what are your trying to accomplish Isaac answers in a surprisingly honest and self-aware way "the same as any other church. All we want is the salvation of mankind"
The "Mending" is at the core of the dogma of the church of holy trinity and it's about salvaging the sinners. As shown by the notes of Father Bill you recover in a safe on day 4
it reflects Father Bill and Isaac desire to save people although they seem differently motivated. Father Bill might truly believe this/act out compassion and reflects his own desire of salvation. In the other hand, Isaac faith seem far less benevolent and shows a lot of pride/moral superiority : You can try child. I have God on my side.
2-4-2 a controversial doctrine that involves pain
Like most zealot their faith can turn kinda inhumane and cruel though. In theory it is well meaning. They want people to be happy osave them. But it’s still based on the predicate most people are sick/sinner. Isaac is the worst.
The Crimson one refers to it as “taking one's medicine”
about Lily : He wanted her to take her medicine (Nathan recollection about Lily and the crimson one) About Kathy before she gets in the source : All we want is for you to take you medicine Kathy. For you to grow and be happy.
But the mending and generally the connection with the below can make people tremendously suffer (lily, jimmy) and sometimes outright break them mentally -turn them catatonic (Joseph, eileen and countless unnamed other victim according to Isaac himself) :
Regarding the possible failure of the mending, the Crimson man is slightly apologetic about it: “What one wants and what one is able to do are different “ The crimson one doesn’t force people the way Isaac does even if he's not entirely above manipulation.
In the other hand, Isaac is so focused on his divine mission that he’s straight up indifferent to the people. It's not only collateral damage *(A necessary evil. I look at the bigger picture, the greater good.)*When pushed, Isaac clearly shows his colors, if it fails it's very much the fault of the sinner. All I did was bring them face to face with God. If they chose to reject him , they were beyond redemption.
That‘s the pride Father Bill was warning against. Isaac is extremely self-righteous and considers he knows better and can do no wrong. Which is pretty rich because Isaac is ignorant of entire aspects of the church doctrine.
2-4-3 Isaac shortcomings : ignorance, lack of empathy and pride
It is specifically suggested that Isaac is far less convincing than his father (besides his lack of charisma, his lack of empathy sure didn't help).

-the church flourished and continued to grow all the way up until his suddent death in 1983.That's when I stepped in to take leadership of the Church
-I take it that the church started declining after the death of Father Bill ?
-yes naturallly so, with such an magnetic personality he was irreplaceable

Isaac quickly tries to defend the church is still thriving but Kathy points out two signs that things are relatively dire for the church now :
about the church : Looks kinda empty to me
about her first meeting with Isaac at the cemetary : What's up with you handing out pamphlets at funerals then ? trying to reel them in when they're weak ?
And that’s why the Crimson one Disappears as soon as Isaac takes over. See Isaac testimony once he’s arrested and how he rejects the notion of Kathy even meeting the Crimson one.

Preposterous. No one has seen that apostate since Father’s death.

The Crimson One disappears because Isaac is simply unable to bring willingly subject to the faith. In such a way the Crimson one refuses to have anything to do with this. The Crimson one wants willing subject.
Remember that the Crimson one doesn’t oppose Kathy leaving before the stairs of judgment /right at the threshold of the mending :

This is crazy, I could just walk away , just ride on my bike and drive. Forget I was ever here.
Nothing is stopping you.

She has to do it on her own free will .
In DC version Father Bill tape says so explicitedly : the mending is a gift and a duty. But it must begin in the heart of a true believer. Someone who yearns for change and possesses the dedication and perseverance to achieve it.
Isaac shortcoming doesnt stop here. In spite of trying to look all-knowing, it’s very arguable whether Isaac even knows where is the Treshold pit to the Below. :
that’s probably why he steals Lily painting. Since the Crimson one disappeared he wanted to bring the sinners to the treshold himself . But he doesn't know where the treshold is. He figures that since Lily received divine knowledge from God, her painting might give clues about where to find the treshold . He's not entirely wrong since Lily painting clearly helped Joseph Rain to find the Source. He's just wrong about those being some sort of secret he needs to unlock by defacing the paintings.
His storage unit makes his frustration clear as he not only defaces all her painting to find a secret Clue but writes on the wall "where is it ? " (the stealing must at least happen after 1981 since Joseph saw all of them ) the fact he disfigures them looking for a secret truth also fit his pride/superiority complex : there has to be a secret truth - one he’s the only fit to perceive.
-Remember he brings Eileen to his father mausoleum. And he doesnt need to know where the treshshold is to find red flowers : it is shown the red flower grows also at the edge of the forest
-Although he says he brought sinners to the stair of judgment, considering his gigantic pride he might simply be lying rather than admit he doesn’t even know something as central to his faith . In fact he considers even “preposterous “ the very idea of Kathy meeting the Crimson one when HE has been actively looking for him for years.
As for why the Crimson one and Isaac MO differs in spite of being originally the same person : remember that Isaac is very distraught by hearing his father stern disapproval and wonder outloud if has strayed from the faith, eventually committing suicide soon afterward. The Crimson one is his reborn version whose ways are corrected to fit his father gentler faith.
I will atone for my sins
But how is it even possible for the Crimson one and Isaac being in the first place ? . That brings us to the time aspect of Kathy Rain.

Section 3-time loop and foretelling ability

3-1 time loop in the real world
It’s Kinda hard to fully understand how time works in Kathy Rain world but the game seems to strongly suggest the real world is going through a time loop
-Jimmy seems to say that Kathy and him had this conversation several times in spite of her not remembering it And she is “ doing so much better than the last time”
-in the director’s cut : “what came before must come again “ on Kathy father postcard in the hole he fell into in the abyss on day 5
3-2 time stand still in the below
And the mirror dimension seem to also distort time . Time pretty much seems to stand still in in the below.
Joseph talking about the time he went catatonic says : “it hasn’t been so long from my point of view”. It clearly implies that time doesn’t flow the same way below as in the real world
While the real world runs in loops , Time in the Below arguably stand still or runs very slow. It might explain the time paradox of having both Isaac and the Crimson one at the same time : Isaac commits suicide in one time loop and is reborn as the Crimson one ( that's the entire nature of time paradoxes )
3-3 foretelling
So if people create a connection with the below/the source they can see the future through the below but the toll on the mind is huge.
Jimmy Says he’s “below watching reruns “
Jimmy states Lily can see “the loops, the infinite possibilities ”
-Jimmy also saw Kathy “over a great pit throwing the last memento of [her father] into the empty blackness below” ( which echoes her fight with her dad in the abyss on day 5)
There are even subtler hints I wont get into.
This foretelling stuff brings us to Lily.
3-4 Lily
as for Lily : I’d say this part of the plot is really messy. What she can exactly do, what was the church plan for her, what is her ultimate fate.
At some level the writer kinda acknowledge that because in both version she is described in game as a “conundrum” and there seem to be a few contradictions.
No only that but most importantly that there is clearly some evolution between OG and DC . See Isaac testimony about the fate post-death of Lily - it dramatically changes between OG and DC :

in OG : in death [she ]ascended , united with the holy conduit (the holy conduit is the religious name given to the lights by Isaac. And Lily materializes indeed as the three lights on day 5 in the below dimension in the OG version )
in DC : Alas there is no hiding from god. Her soul knows only fire and brimstone now. (and she doesnt appear at all in the DC version )

But it’s possible to get some general idea about Lily place in the plot, regardless of the inconsistencies
Lily connection with the below seems particularly strong : she saw the loops, the infinite possibilities
As for why her connection is so strong , it’s easy to miss, but, if you show the botanical note about the red flower to Sue , Lily's mother and asks her if she recognizes it she answers

“Sure smoked it a few times back in the day”
Similar to pot but much stronger and more unpredictable Never touched the stuff AFTER I got pregnant with Lily.”

it seems to hint that Sue might have smoked the red flower at the very start of her pregnancy . Doing so affected Lily in her womb and might have made created a latent connection with the below which fully activated once she found the lights . Keep in mind that the red flower is the key connection between the below and real world.
As for her role, the Church/below clearly seems to see Lily as a tool to propagate their doctrine over the world :
in OG she’s literally described as “prophet” by Isaac on day4 ( in OG she even later merge with the lights ). She is also described as a “chronicler” by both Jimmy and Isaac But DC makes clearer the plans of the Church/below for her : Not only does Isaac blames her for rejecting the gift of prophecy of God.
But In DC day 3 the Crimson man says

Listen to the drowned girl
While she may be free in death , her cold wet hands still trap many in painful ignorance.

Lily was meant to be the one to really propagate the message and convert people to the religion.
Lily turns very unhappy once she found the lights and had visions.
In OG Isaac says she was “part prophet, part mender” in life. Arguably the reason of her suffering and unhappiness was the very visions she received. Consider also that Jimmy vision are not nearly as strong as Lily - he can only perceives some words ,. And consider that as a grown man it was already too Much and he was eventually interned
Lilly is specifically urged by the Crimson Man to “take her medicine” (which means undergoing the mending based on Crimson comment to Kathy) and “fights” with him according to Nathan .
Whether it was because she was unhappy and the Crimson one is naturally attracted to unhappy people or because the mending would have made her a better prophet is arguable . At any rate she resisted : most likely because she had already enough disturbing visions and the mending seemed to involve even more emotional pain.
With those core ideas setup, the chronology of events now makes some sense.
​
​
I post the chronology in the comments as I went above the character limit

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this, Advice and relationships wouldn't allow my post because it contains links. Anway, here I go:
Hi, I'm a 29 year old straight cis-gender male who has never had a wife, fiancée, or girlfriend despite having had many crushes/obsessions where I believed I was in love at the time. Every single time I put my foot out there but it ultimately doesn't work out. I have multiple theories about what might be wrong with me, most revolving around my personality (I'm 5'11" and have always been upper middle class so I don't think height or money are my problem). My looks with glasses on are below average but I've seen uglier men with girlfriends so I think the thing that is really killing me is my personality. Anyway, potential reasons I've thought of include the following:

1. I am narcissistic (but I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder because there are multiple symptoms of that disorder and I only have like 1 or 2 out of 6 or 7 and no psychiatrist or therapist has ever diagnosed me with it).
   
2. I am completely self-interested.
   
3. I am completely selfish (I mean I sometimes give homeless people spare cash but I just do it because it makes me feel happy).
   
4. I only care about myself and what I go through. Like sometimes on a dating app a woman will ask me how am I and I will respond saying something like "I'm in pain and depressed" and she'll be like "yikes" and unmatch me. Here are some examples of me on a dating app.
   
5. I briefly feel love (like when I pet my pet) and I may think I'm in love at the time (like when I have a crush), but I don't truly love others and only love myself. I've had crushes where I believed I loved them at the time but then they ghosted me and after I realized it wasn't real love.
   
6. I am exclusively obsessed with myself.
   

I don't know which of these is true, but I'm hoping someone else can look at me and my messaging with women who I've had a crush on in the past and figure it out. For example, here is an Instagram chat with a woman I was smitten with in the past. There is more info in the title and in the descriptions below the screenshots. Eventually she stops responding (she actually reads my messages and doesn't reapond like 4 or 5 times in those screenshots). In case extra back context is necessary, my first few messages ever with her are here.
I don't know if this helps you understand me better, but like my social media posts tend to focus on me rather than other people. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but for example on Instagram I saw my cousin make a story that said "Post your gf/bf, they deserve it" with a picture of his girlfriend smiling and I replied to that story with my own story with that same comment at the top and a picture of my right hand, post visible here. The song in the background of that post, "Orgy for One" by NSP is a comedy song about a guy who invites a large number of girls over for an orgy but nobody shows up so he has an "Orgy for One" with his hand. I like that song and the post is supposed to be funny and also speak my truth. I think it might also give a clue about my personality.
Another example of how my social media is kind of completely self-interested is on yesterday, Trans Day of Visibility (March 31), I posted this on Facebook:
"March 31 is #TransDayOfVisibility. To celebrate, I'm sharing my favorite trans woman and trans man social influencers.
This is Kelly. She's hot, even by completely straight man standards:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cqbwk0SAlzJ/
This is Kelsy. He was actually born intersex, or with a vagina but also XY chromosomes, and transitioned from outwardly appearing female to outwardly appearing male:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cof4DczsuVs/
But yeah, trans people are valid."
I feel like if I were a "normie" Democrat who wanted to make a post for trans day of visibility I would have instead posted something like this, but this isn't how I really am:
"Happy #TransDayOfVisibility!!! Today we acknowledge all the wonderful trans people in the world and in our lives and how much they matter to us. They are beautiful and they are special and we love them ❤️❤️❤️!!!"
I dunno, that's just not how I really am but I believe people who are like that have more and better relationships than I do. Like if I posted that or acted like that it would be totally fake and out of character.
But yeah, can anyone pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me? Maybe let me know which of my theories/reasons for things not working out is most true and is my real problem?
TL;DR! No woman will fuck me or get into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me no matter how much I try, why?

Hello, I wanted the help of your guys with something I'm struggling a lot that happened two years ago and it happened again three weeks ago.
When you’re unhappy with someone, they always advise you to communicate healthy boundaries, to not be responsible for the happiness of the other and to even cut them out of your life.
Well, I’m now for the second time in two years on the opposite side of the person who decided to take this advise. One of them was my previous best friend and now happened to my best friend of nowadays.
Firstly, I want to say that they have the right to do that. Our friendships were indeed unhealthy and in a great part because of me. I have an unhealthy interpretation of what a friendship is and because of my disastrous relationship with my family, I consider them to be my family and act like so, asking and demanding things from them which are not their responsibility.
Secondly, they didn’t cut me entirely of their lives, they decided in a very similar way to distance themselves from me and maybe come back in the future if they feel ready and if they feel that I’m dealing better with my issues.
With the one from two years ago, he distanced himself and after 8 months we reconnected but it was never the same thing. Not only because we didn’t talk as much, but because I didn’t trust him anymore to talk about my problems and felt scared that he would again take the same decision to distance himself.
Now, it happened again with the best friend I had. She decided that I was putting too much pressure on her with my problems and because nowadays she was the only real friend that I talked daily, I would concentrate all of the most intimate things of my life, the good and the bad things, on her. The breaking point for her was when I lied about something and she decided it was time to distance herself from me because she was feeling unhappy with me and our friendship for a long time already. She communicated that if she someday trusted me again, we might reconnect again but she already said that not on the same way so that our relationship doesn’t get too heavy for her anymore. I know that I will never trust her the same way ever again.
Now that I made it clear for all that I don’t blame them and that I know that I’m the reason why our friendship became unhealthy now comes my question for y’all:
How to deal with these limiting beliefs that are consuming me since that happened that if I become close friends with someone or even if I get into a relationship in the future, I might make our relationship so unhealthy that I can make the other person miserable?
That happened two weeks ago and since then I have distanced myself completely from everyone else (even co-workers) because I’m scared that I might make them miserable at some point. Nowadays, if they talk to me, I don’t try anymore to engage in the conversation, to make jokes or inviting them to go to places because I think that I’m a bad influence to others. It got to a point that when I’m riding my bike (I do this everyday when getting to work/home) around the city, every time I see a couple or friends together I think: ‘’good for them that they will never have a person like me around them’’
I begun therapy in January because I was really putting the effort since October to become a better person, for me and my friends, but since this event I stopped doing everything and even though I increased the number of sessions, I’m afraid that it will take many years or even a decade to make me not believe that anymore about myself. As a consequence, making me not put the effort anymore to become a better person, to form new friendships or get into new relationships.
What should I do?
TL;DR: Two best friends distanced themselves from me because of me and now I have a huge limiting belief that I’m toxic to others, making me not put the effort to form new friendships or relationships because I’m scared that I might make others miserable. How to deal with that?

Hi there! 23m here. I'm European, so university has been almost free for me. I finished my degree on Cinema Studies last year, and I'm since September taking a master's degree on documentary.
The thing is that I've always loved studying, and I've loved to study for my degree. However, I have other things in my life that give me much better rewards than studying. I like having my time to enjoy life in a daily basis, I love working on my relationships with friends and couples, I play in and manage a couple of small music bands, etc. I love playing music, and learning. I'm self-taught, but people have always told me that I could be a professional player because I love it so much and I've played so much for the last 10 years or so.
Okay, with my master's degree I was planning on getting a job (my country's audiovisual industry is really hermetic) because imternships in public national tv are offered. And the master's topic is really interesting as well. It also has been more expensive than my whole degree, so I guess I'm paying for the internship opportunity and for the academic quality. Let's say this master is my main responsibility right now.
I started really motivated in September and kept going strongky until a month and a half ago. Some of the new classes were not as appealing, and that made me angry. Like very angry sometimes. So much I started spending much less time on them and did the minimum effort in order to pass them. I also began to work harder on the management of the music bands, and retook playing instruments daily.
The thing is that I've been really happy because I've been doing what I really want. I've been working hard on those "hobbies" and feeling tired from that hard work has made me feel amazing. Once again I've thought of trying to make a living from music (I know it's really hard, and there are many ways to approach that goal, I don't know which one's best though). But I feel like I'm failing my September self because I'm putting like a 10th of the effort I was planning to on the master.
I feel like I have a problem on doing what I want vs doing what I must. My master is a "must" in terms of ending up working in a job I'll probably mildly enjoy. Music is a "want" because is literally my passion but I haven't found any safe way to make a living out of it. Being happy is a "must+want", and right now I'm very happy with what I'm doing, but I feel like I should kinda grow-thefuck-up and focus on what I must do. Why is it so hard?
Am I doing it well because I'm prioritizing on what makes me happy or should I grow a pair and apply some more discipline to my life, so maybe I'll have a better job?
TLDR: Professionally speaking, should I prioritize on my safer but more boring "must's" or should I focus on my more unrealistic passions? Can I do both? (I feel like there's not enough time and money in life for both)
PD. I feel grateful for having these "problems". Choosing between what I like more or what I like less. Privilege awareness.

Hi, I'm a 29 year old straight cis-gender male who has never had a wife, fiancée, or girlfriend despite having had many crushes/obsessions where I believed I was in love at the time. Every single time I put my foot out there but it ultimately doesn't work out. I have multiple theories about what might be wrong with me, most revolving around my personality (I'm 5'11" and have always been upper middle class so I don't think height or money are my problem). My looks with glasses on are below average but I've seen uglier men with girlfriends so I think the thing that is really killing me is my personality. Anyway, potential reasons I've thought of include the following:

1. I am narcissistic (but I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder because there are multiple symptoms of that disorder and I only have like 1 or 2 out of 6 or 7 and no psychiatrist or therapist has ever diagnosed me with it).
   
2. I am completely self-interested.
   
3. I am completely selfish (I mean I sometimes give homeless people spare cash but I just do it because it makes me feel happy).
   
4. I only care about myself and what I go through. Like sometimes on a dating app a woman will ask me how am I and I will respond saying something like "I'm in pain and depressed" and she'll be like "yikes" and unmatch me.
   
5. I briefly feel love (like when I pet my pet) and I may think I'm in love at the time (like when I have a crush), but I don't truly love others and only love myself. I've had crushes where I believed I loved them at the time but then they ghosted me and after I realized it wasn't real love.
   
6. I am exclusively obsessed with myself.
   

I don't know which of these is true, but I'm hoping someone else can look at me and my messaging with women who I've had a crush on in the past and figure it out. For example, here is an Instagram chat with a woman I was smitten with in the past. There is more info in the title and in the descriptions below the screenshots. Eventually she stops responding (she actually reads my messages and doesn't reapond like 4 or 5 times in those screenshots). In case extra back context is necessary, my first few messages ever with her are here.
I don't know if this helps you understand me better, but like my social media posts tend to focus on me rather than other people. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but for example on Instagram I saw my cousin make a story that said "Post your gf/bf, they deserve it" with a picture of his girlfriend smiling and I replied to that story with my own story with that same comment at the top and a picture of my right hand, post visible here. The song in the background of that post, "Orgy for One" by NSP is a comedy song about a guy who invites a large number of girls over for an orgy but nobody shows up so he has an "Orgy for One" with his hand. I like that song and the post is supposed to be funny and also speak my truth. I think it might also give a clue about my personality.
Another example of how my social media is kind of completely self-interested is on yesterday, Trans Day of Visibility (March 31), I posted this on Facebook:
"March 31 is #TransDayOfVisibility. To celebrate, I'm sharing my favorite trans woman and trans man social influencers.
This is Kelly. She's hot, even by completely straight man standards:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cqbwk0SAlzJ/
This is Kelsy. He was actually born intersex, or with a vagina but also XY chromosomes, and transitioned from outwardly appearing female to outwardly appearing male:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cof4DczsuVs/
But yeah, trans people are valid."
I feel like if I were a "normie" Democrat who wanted to make a post for trans day of visibility I would have instead posted something like this, but this isn't how I really am:
"Happy #TransDayOfVisibility!!! Today we acknowledge all the wonderful trans people in the world and in our lives and how much they matter to us. They are beautiful and they are special and we love them ❤️❤️❤️!!!"
I dunno, that's just not how I really am but I believe people who are like that have more and better relationships than I do. Like if I posted that or acted like that it would be totally fake and out of character.
But yeah, can anyone pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me? Maybe let me know which of my theories/reasons for things not working out is most true and is my real problem?
TL;DR! No woman will fuck me or get into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me no matter how much I try, why?

She's been working on producing music so I hear some of the stuff she makes. I was walking by her room and started dancing to the track she was mixing, then she laughed and just kept playing it. I told her I really like it and it's probably one of the best ones she's made so far. Then I walked to the living room and told my mom how my sister is getting really good with her mixing.
I guess my sister heard. She ran out and hugged me (scared the shit outta me tbh lol), and she said thank you bc it was such a kind thing to say. She's been feeling like it's too difficult and she's not making progress so she's happy I liked it.
I'm happy I could make her happy. I often feel like all I do is make other people unhappy, so it made me feel better about myself.

Hi, I'm a 29 year old straight cis-gender male who has never had a wife, fiancée, or girlfriend despite having had many crushes/obsessions where I believed I was in love at the time. Every single time I put my foot out there but it ultimately doesn't work out. I have multiple theories about what might be wrong with me, most revolving around my personality (I'm 5'11" and have always been upper middle class so I don't think height or money are my problem). My looks with glasses on are below average but I've seen uglier men with girlfriends so I think the thing that is really killing me is my personality. Anyway, potential reasons I've thought of include the following:

1. I am narcissistic (but I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder because there are multiple symptoms of that disorder and I only have like 1 or 2 out of 6 or 7 and no psychiatrist or therapist has ever diagnosed me with it).
   
2. I am completely self-interested.
   
3. I am completely selfish (I mean I sometimes give homeless people spare cash but I just do it because it makes me feel happy).
   
4. I only care about myself and what I go through. Like sometimes on a dating app a woman will ask me how am I and I will respond saying something like "I'm in pain and depressed" and she'll be like "yikes" and unmatch me.
   
5. I briefly feel love (like when I pet my pet) and I may think I'm in love at the time (like when I have a crush), but I don't truly love others and only love myself. I've had crushes where I believed I loved them at the time but then they ghosted me and after I realized it wasn't real love.
   
6. I am exclusively obsessed with myself.
   

I don't know which of these is true, but I'm hoping someone else can look at me and my messaging with women who I've had a crush on in the past and figure it out. For example, here is an Instagram chat with a woman I was smitten with in the past. There is more info in the title and in the descriptions below the screenshots. Eventually she stops responding (she actually reads my messages and doesn't reapond like 4 or 5 times in those screenshots). In case extra back context is necessary, my first few messages ever with her are here.
I don't know if this helps you understand me better, but like my social media posts tend to focus on me rather than other people. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but for example on Instagram I saw my cousin make a story that said "Post your gf/bf, they deserve it" with a picture of his girlfriend smiling and I replied to that story with my own story with that same comment at the top and a picture of my right hand, post visible here. The song in the background of that post, "Orgy for One" by NSP is a comedy song about a guy who invites a large number of girls over for an orgy but nobody shows up so he has an "Orgy for One" with his hand. I like that song and the post is supposed to be funny and also speak my truth. I think it might also give a clue about my personality.
Another example of how my social media is kind of completely self-interested is on yesterday, Trans Day of Visibility (March 31), I posted this on Facebook:
"March 31 is #TransDayOfVisibility. To celebrate, I'm sharing my favorite trans woman and trans man social influencers.
This is Kelly. She's hot, even by completely straight man standards:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cqbwk0SAlzJ/
This is Kelsy. He was actually born intersex, or with a vagina but also XY chromosomes, and transitioned from outwardly appearing female to outwardly appearing male:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cof4DczsuVs/
But yeah, trans people are valid."
I feel like if I were a "normie" Democrat who wanted to make a post for trans day of visibility I would have instead posted something like this, but this isn't how I really am:
"Happy #TransDayOfVisibility!!! Today we acknowledge all the wonderful trans people in the world and in our lives and how much they matter to us. They are beautiful and they are special and we love them ❤️❤️❤️!!!"
I dunno, that's just not how I really am but I believe people who are like that have more and better relationships than I do. Like if I posted that or acted like that it would be totally fake and out of character.
But yeah, can anyone pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me? Maybe let me know which of my theories/reasons for things not working out is most true and is my real problem?

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this, Advice and relationships wouldn't allow my post because it contains links. Anway, here I go:
Hi, I'm a 29 year old straight cis-gender male who has never had a wife, fiancée, or girlfriend despite having had many crushes/obsessions where I believed I was in love at the time. Every single time I put my foot out there but it ultimately doesn't work out. I have multiple theories about what might be wrong with me, most revolving around my personality (I'm 5'11" and have always been upper middle class so I don't think height or money are my problem). My looks with glasses on are below average but I've seen uglier men with girlfriends so I think the thing that is really killing me is my personality. Anyway, potential reasons I've thought of include the following:

1. I am narcissistic (but I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder because there are multiple symptoms of that disorder and I only have like 1 or 2 out of 6 or 7 and no psychiatrist or therapist has ever diagnosed me with it).
   
2. I am completely self-interested.
   
3. I am completely selfish (I mean I sometimes give homeless people spare cash but I just do it because it makes me feel happy).
   
4. I only care about myself and what I go through. Like sometimes on a dating app a woman will ask me how am I and I will respond saying something like "I'm in pain and depressed" and she'll be like "yikes" and unmatch me. Here are some examples of me on a dating app.
   
5. I briefly feel love (like when I pet my pet) and I may think I'm in love at the time (like when I have a crush), but I don't truly love others and only love myself. I've had crushes where I believed I loved them at the time but then they ghosted me and after I realized it wasn't real love.
   
6. I am exclusively obsessed with myself.
   

I don't know which of these is true, but I'm hoping someone else can look at me and my messaging with women who I've had a crush on in the past and figure it out. For example, here is an Instagram chat with a woman I was smitten with in the past. There is more info in the title and in the descriptions below the screenshots. Eventually she stops responding (she actually reads my messages and doesn't reapond like 4 or 5 times in those screenshots). In case extra back context is necessary, my first few messages ever with her are here.
I don't know if this helps you understand me better, but like my social media posts tend to focus on me rather than other people. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but for example on Instagram I saw my cousin make a story that said "Post your gf/bf, they deserve it" with a picture of his girlfriend smiling and I replied to that story with my own story with that same comment at the top and a picture of my right hand, post visible here. The song in the background of that post, "Orgy for One" by NSP is a comedy song about a guy who invites a large number of girls over for an orgy but nobody shows up so he has an "Orgy for One" with his hand. I like that song and the post is supposed to be funny and also speak my truth. I think it might also give a clue about my personality.
Another example of how my social media is kind of completely self-interested is on yesterday, Trans Day of Visibility (March 31), I posted this on Facebook:
"March 31 is #TransDayOfVisibility. To celebrate, I'm sharing my favorite trans woman and trans man social influencers.
This is Kelly. She's hot, even by completely straight man standards:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cqbwk0SAlzJ/
This is Kelsy. He was actually born intersex, or with a vagina but also XY chromosomes, and transitioned from outwardly appearing female to outwardly appearing male:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cof4DczsuVs/
But yeah, trans people are valid."
I feel like if I were a "normie" Democrat who wanted to make a post for trans day of visibility I would have instead posted something like this, but this isn't how I really am:
"Happy #TransDayOfVisibility!!! Today we acknowledge all the wonderful trans people in the world and in our lives and how much they matter to us. They are beautiful and they are special and we love them ❤️❤️❤️!!!"
I dunno, that's just not how I really am but I believe people who are like that have more and better relationships than I do. Like if I posted that or acted like that it would be totally fake and out of character.
But yeah, can anyone pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me? Maybe let me know which of my theories/reasons for things not working out is most true and is my real problem?
TL;DR! No woman will fuck me or get into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me no matter how much I try, why?

An author's note: Please read this post in it's entirety before you message me, I've added a follow up to answer most of the basic questions I've been asked over the last 3 years since I started posting my AD.

All my previous iterations were mostly about what role I could fulfill; and while this mostly still is true, walking amongst the elites the last week has opened my eyes... I'm looking for a complacent trophy to put on full display. Arriving to this city I already had a deep... Passion for power, governance; and just over all domination -- Washington DC fulfills my lust, and thirst for both political power, and monetary gain. Now I want, not need an adequate toy to share this experience with. Before I was playing conservatively; not anymore,
I've allowed my ego to rampant and on auto-pilot; thus far everything is according to design.
I'm as amoral as they come; I will eviscerate my way to the top of the governmental, and corporate ladder(s). I'm a retired hacker that has realized my full potential is being squandered away, so I'll begin to kick in the doors of 3 letter agencies until recruit me; or I die trying.
I've come to the conclusion that you need to make an impression with these sort of things, so I'm going to just let my words flow freely. So here we go:
Basics:
Height: 5'7
Weight: 175, could stand to lose a few lbs to get my abs back.
Eyes: Brown eyes.
Hair: Long curly brown hair (think Slash Rose's illegitimate son.)
Race: White.
Ethnicity: Hispanic (Cuban.)
Languages: Spanish, English, Sign-language.
Profession: Network Engineer in NW DC.
Religion: Agnostic.
A little about me:
I like long walks on the beach, sunsets, oh did I mention that I'm a sadist, and that I'm utterly insane?
I've been called a silver tongued devil; Quick witted, charismatic, with just the right amount of sarcasm.
Hobbies: Not being bored, it's a lot harder than it sounds. I enjoy learning/conversing about The Universe/space, science, and technology. I was quite nomadic in my 20s, having visited two different countries, lived in over 17 states, visited over 38.
Music: I'm more of a rhythm of the beat type of person vs. lyrics, but generally I've found myself to enjoy electronica. Definitely like a lot 80s synth pop, but again, this is just the preference, not really against the rest of the genres.
Shows: Billions, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Board Walk Empire, Billions, Rome, Deadwood, Halt and Catch Fire, The Sopranos, South Park, Mad Men, Dexter,
Movies: Beetlejuice, Brain Scan, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb,
"What are you looking for?"
Well I can encompass a Master, a Dominant, or a Daddy, so it's really what can I provide for you?1
"How is such a thing possible?" Antisocial Personality Disorder (3.4 for those interested.)
"Why was it necessary to mention that?" To give credence as to how I can, and have been all aspects of Dominance.
"Monogamy or polyamory?" Favoritism towards polyamory, but seeing as it's rare to find multiple partners that allow me to explore my more sadistic side without tension, and/or drama, I'd go with monogamy if the individual allowed me to be depraved.
Preference in the following order: Slave, submissive, little (I will explain further below.)
Kinks: Sadism, TPE, CNC, bondage, degradation, humiliation, knife play, rope play, rape/abduction play, choking, impact play, spanking, hair pulling (I think you get the idea by now, there are still far more, here's a more comprehensive list.)
Experience: 15+ years.
​
​
So about that whole preference thing, as I am on the ASPD spectrum I'm capable of fulfilling whatever role(s) are required of me to get what I want. So let me explain further, I'm openly telling you far ahead of time that I lack emotions and empathy, with the hopes that me giving you the illusion of whatever it is you require, will be met with reciprocation of the kinks we can agree upon. This is where the waters get muddied for little's, I can definitely treat you like the princess you want to be, without all the douche-baggery you'll deal with as people tugging at your heart strings. Plenty of people around here pretend to be Daddies and will leave you absolutely heartbroken. Tired of games? Tired of bullshit? Well here's someone willing to give you all the care, attention, and affection you desire without any hassles.
"Why would you want to be a Daddy Dom given your lack of emotions, and empathy?"
I am a social chameleon. I've been perfecting my art for the majority of my life, I like the challenge. I like to learn people and, give them what they want with the idea that I get what I want in the end, it's called a social transaction. I know what respect is, and I believe I need to write a little about this. Once we've discussed clear limits, and terms, they shall not be crossed, it's counter productive for me to lose my play thing(s). I can be fiercely territorial of all my possessions, that includes the individual(s) I'm involved with, what is mine will be protected, whether you're a slave, a submissive, or a little.If you want someone to completely treat you like trash, I'm more than willingly to oblige, if you need a savior and a protector, well I can do that too. I'm able to encompass what is required; a means to an end.
"What are you looking for in a submissive?" I'd like it to extend outside of the bedroom, but if it doesn't, whatever, I'm not going to repeat myself, so hopefully you've read this in it's entirety.
"What are you looking for in a slave?" Mostly aesthetics, and objectification. Of course I'd expect loyalty, servitude, and there's a plethora more, but I don't feel I need to be too descriptive on this part.
Now that I've written a fucking novel about myself, let's get to you....
Age: I prefer them younger (18+) , but have dated women as old as 45; generally if I find you attractive, I won't care.
Height: the shorter the better, but I've dated women taller than myself, not a deal breaker.
Weight: I'd like someone on the smaller side, a few extra pounds will be acceptable, but no one overweight please, just not my thing.
I will list things below in order of preference, not necessarily a disqualifier. (This is only opinion, not a rating system.)
Race: White, but as long as I'm attracted I won't care, I don't discriminate.
Ethnicity: N/A read above.
Language(s): The more the merrier, accents are a huge plus, whether a southern drawl, or other.
Religion: I'm completely open to allowing you to practice whatever you'd like, just don't expect me to participate; I can be respectful of your beliefs, as long as you're respectful of mine, I am a man of science, The Universe is my religion (so to speak.)
Eyes: Blue, green, hazel, brown (If you have Heterochromia iridum you move to the front of the line, I like mutations.)
Hair: The longer the better, no preference as to style, as for color: I prefer true blondes, redheads, dirty blondes, and then brown.
Tattoos: Sure, whatever, as long as it's not overwhelming or flat out tacky, in this day in age it's harder to find someone with none, so as the trend follows above.
Piercings: Depends, some people can pull off septum piercings, but I personally dislike them, so if it compliments your facial features, sure why not. But there is definitely a breaking point where it becomes overwhelming and you just look like Hellraiser.
Education: Strong preference towards educated women, this does not necessarily mean academics, open to all.
Profession: No preference, but I do tend to like women in psychology (I have my reasons.)
Personality: If I have to learn "your" pronouns, or apologize for my "white male privilege" you can fuck right off; I don't care about politics.
Children: Strong preference in favor of not having them, unless we never intend to meet, or you don't expect a level of commitment from me to them, then I don't readily care, non-factor. To explain a tad bit, it isn't that I can't, I just would rather not raise children, I have too many plans in life that children would derail, maybe later.
If you're interested in communicating further, I prefer talking on these platforms and in this order: Discord, WhatsApp, Reddit Chat\, Skype, Kik,* open to other forms of contact.
\Reddit Chat isn't the same thing as their mailing system, just an FYI.*
Go ahead and shoot me a message, I'm waiting.
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An update:
Well just to filter some things out, since I get this so many times... I will not be putting a big editorial process to this update(I say this now, after already re-reading, and editing a minimum of 5 times; I'm a slave to my own perfectionism,) so if you mostly have questions about me, ASPD, and things of the like, read this before you message me.
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While I absolute love to talk about myself because I'm just such a narcissistic-hedonist, I also do get bored of repeating myself, even if it is a new person. As such read everything in it's entirety before you message me, as I'm going to entertain less, and less messages about me, and not what I'm seeking, I'd rather focus on only replying to potential partners, and absolutely nothing else, that being said if anything I have not covered in this update, or post still burns an answer from you, by all means message me.
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"Were you formally diagnosed?"
I get asked about this A LOT, I'm not going to go into very many details, suffice it to say, yes, but it's been labeled as a misdiagnosis, all you need to know is I score high, and I do the things you'd expect, the pyromania, the violence that is actually associated at early age, the works, I'm not comfortable giving you more beyond that, and I will not be entertaining questions about my personal life, maybe a partner could ask me those questions, but I'm not letting you in my head, that's my game, not the other way around :).
Please do your own research beyond this point, it's borderline laziness how often I keep getting asked about this.
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"Why are you so open about it(ASPD)?"
Isn't it obvious? A lot of you can't fathom why someone with ASPD would just openly come out, and admit to people, well I guess I really should've brushed up on this when I first made my post, or at least go into a far more descriptive detail than I had originally, so here goes:
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If I'm ever to lead a sort of a long term relationship based on trust, and honesty, just how in the HELL do you expect me to explain this to you ever so casually? It's best to show your cards in the beginning, this is my own baggage, or some form there of.
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There's two reasons I'm choosing to do this online, and vehemently under anonymity; 99% of you will be irrelevant to me, 99% of you will never meet me, it's just that simple, ergo why wouldn't I just preface my entire description as such, and as brutally honest as possible? Secondly I do not want a partner whom I need to continue to wear a mask for, I want to be me, the real me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
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What I find the most is women that fetishize the entire ordeal, that's all fine and dandy, but it does show just a lack of understanding about what APSD is as a whole, and to be perfectly blunt, you're wasting my time, I don't need to feed into your lonely thrill romance you spun in your head from watching true crime dramas. More often than not, this what happens, spare us the role-playing, I'm just not that bored.
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"Empathy"
One clear distinction I'd like to make, so I can stop getting asked about it, we DO have empathy, it's just not how YOU experience empathy. Think of a light switch, by default most of the population's is on, ours is off by default, and furthermore we have the ability to turn it on, and off. Yes, it is that simple, yes we use it for manipulation, now stop asking me about this, it's boring to repeat this.
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"Emotions"
Boredom, rage. This is what I'm capable of in the dark, empathy off. I'm constantly seeking stimuli, if you notice by actually looking through my posts, I've moved a ton of times, and always national parks... New atmosphere, new adventures, new dangers, you know, the shit that gets your heart pumping, adrenaline. This is my favorite drug, this is the high I constantly chase to kill the boredom. Rage is just self explanatory, my defaults are animalistic.
I am fully capable of experiencing all emotions, it's just for the most part, because I don't want do, I don't allow myself to.
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"Manipulation"
For the longest time I told myself who cares if I burn bridges in my wake, I'm building a highway in its place. Mostly still true, and I absolutely use it on a daily basis for survival, I must stress, and emphasize survival, here is why; I'm human, like the rest of you, what do you do on a daily basis, if not find means, and ways to survive, and entertain yourself? I know no other way other than to use people to my advantage, I minimize the damage where I can, and move about my daily existence, guilt, and worry free about doing any wrong, an argument could be made that we all use each other in some weight, or capacity, and that's good enough for me.
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I'm sure by now you're probably wondering what the hell any of that has to do with anything, it's simple if the point flew over your head, again. I'm tired of manipulating people, using them, abusing them, discarding them, I didn't grow a conscious I'm not "growing" as a person, but much more likely, I'm just bored of the routine, or the process, which has become the symphony of my life.
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"Love"
I by no means ever want to experience this love you all chase like Alice clumsily falling down the rabbit hole. I've seen it so much in my life it's downright pathetic, and I actually feel bad for those of you that have such strong emotions, see empaths. You're slaves to these emotions, you let people use and manipulate you, you've been hurt, and had your heart ripped from your chest, and it feels like you no longer have purpose, lacking direction, and meaning in life. I merely know this from generally observing humans for most of my natural born life. I'm more than happy to remain the way I have always been, and never wish to experience emotions in the way you do, I find it to be an advantage, one I can apply to more important things in life, like the pursuit of knowledge.
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I hope the psych nerds will now stop asking me these questions, I've paid my dues.
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"Preferences"
My preferences, are just that, a list of my preferences, at no point in any of my writing did I say I was prejudice between one thing, or that I show favoritism. I merely made a chart listing some of the attributes that I myself, personally find to be significant to me, but that isn't to say, or detract from other things. It's the equivalent of asking me if I prefer Metallica, or Megadeth; well I'm going to say I prefer one over the other, but I enjoy both, and the genre as a whole, the genre being women in this case. I enjoy women for my own personal entertainment, and amusement -- which makes it all the more hilarious to me when I get called a misogynist.
so please spare me all your comments, and messages telling me that it's so "intimidating", if my post intimidates you, what can I really even begin to say about that? It doesn't sound like we'd be compatible, or much less you'd be able to accept me as a person, in any case this is a personal issue.
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"You Need Help!"
I know what the help is, they just remind you repeatedly that your actions have consequences, they do not prescribe a medication for this, just therapy, and I know enough already to check myself, it really is that easy.
P.S:
"To My Adoring Fans"
You call me an edge-lord, cringe, and a wide range of inane insults, that truly don't phase me, since I get a lot of these messages, I thought I'd give you my rebuttal; just so you know I sleep naked so that anyone that doesn't like me, can kiss my ass - feel free to visit anytime!
P.S.S: I now operate, function, and walk amongst the elite of the nation; I see my kind everywhere, this is what Rome must of felt like in it's heyday; Cicero you clever bastard... I bid you all adieu -- and depart with this:
{"Το σύμπαν είναι αλλαγή. η ζωή μας είναι αυτό που την κάνουν οι σκέψεις μας.";}
Sincerely,
<~sodomy>

I’m stuck on Hondas and was just wanting to know if everyone is generally happy with their purchase. I researched the Insight and my dad ended up getting one and loved it. I live in PNW so wanted AWD and this seemed to fit me better than the larger CRV. I’m bringing it home Monday. Likes vs Dislikes?

Hi all. I hope this post fits here. Apologies if it is a bit long-winded; I just needed to rant, and I did not proofread.
I struggle with the idea of calling my mum “toxic”, because she has good qualities and can be kind and sweet. But she also gets very defensive, tends to gaslight in subtle ways and also does not always seem very self-aware in why her actions or words are being received badly, and just generally… there are some red flags.
I am currently staying with her (which has its ups and downs). I am the youngest child and have probably struggled a bit to break away from trying to be “the good girl” and people-pleasing to some degree in my family.
Currently I am about 20kg (44lbs) heavier than I want to be, and have been for a while. I grew up quite skinny but have always liked food. I would eat a lot as a child and teen but, aside from some occasional comments of frustration if I was eating something mum didn’t approve of (perhaps foods with lots of sugar or generally pastries/cakes/sweets or foods that mum had bought such as cheese or dip but was “saving” and thus not supposed to be eaten… even though she’d tell me off at other times for asking her if I was allowed to eat something because I wouldn’t be sure if it was a special food or an “allowed food”), she generally didn’t tell me off. There were things she would have double-standards around when it came to food, and she often seemed to police what my siblings and I would buy or eat, and she’d also shame my dad too when he ate “unhealthy” things.
For all of us, this lead to behaviours of squirrelling away food, or sneaking it and eating it very quickly and privately when she wasn’t looking. Again though, before my weight gain, there didn’t feel to be as much shame around this, but it was awkward.
When I moved out of home, I did go overboard in buying the things I wanted to eat but previously wouldn’t have generally been allowed to, or foods that would have been considered a luxury of sorts. Even things like flavoured yoghurts, or deli meats and cheeses. So I started eating these things, but still in a way that seemed to indicate some shame. (Not feeling very comfortable eating around other people, and feeling ashamed of the volume I ate.)
I have never felt bad for loving food the way I do, but especially since I started putting on weight (which really started when my dad died), it’s like I don’t feel that I am allowed to show that enjoyment.
Anyway, to get to the heading of the post. Mum knows I want to lose weight, and has had some compassion around that. I have also told her a few times that I don’t need her policing what I eat; that I appreciate support and encouragement, but I also want to try and normalise foods and not actually feel ashamed of my body or where I am at. In all honesty, I feel like my issue ties in more with binging that is triggered by shame, rather than me generally finding it hard to eat whole/‘healthy’ foods. So she’s been encouraging me and is happy to see I am losing some weight. But… If I talk about food, or indicate I’m hungry or think out loud about lunch or dinner (even when it’s an appropriate time to do so), she tells me off for “thinking about food so much”. She keeps mentioning how she doesn’t think about food, and feels like our culture is too obsessed with food and it‘s disgusting. If she’s made cupcakes for my sister’s family and I ask if I can try one, she tells me that I don’t need it and that I should stop thinking about food. (To clarify, I know it’s not great to eat cupcakes all the time, but I also think a healthy diet is one where a food can be eaten once or twice a week, and just enjoying it as a treat rather than having an idea that it’s not okay to eat at all, especially when carrying extra weight. I would rather incorporate a healthier lifestyle overall, than feel I have to completely abstain from any specific thing, because I know that makes me want it more.)
Also, if I am in the kitchen, even if I’ve just made a salad or if I’m not cooking but just using the scissors from the kitchen drawer, she will come in and say “what are you doing?” in an accusatory voice. If I call her out on it or get defensive, she will tell me off for taking things too seriously and not being able to take a joke.
Intellectually I know I am responsible for my life — I am an adult now and get to make my own choices. So I feel bad saying I act in certain ways because of my mum… But at the moment it feels really hard to separate emotionally enough to not feel driven by her behaviours to some degree… when she tells me off or when I feel attacked by her comments, I often feel the urge to binge eat, or to buy foods that I don’t identify as healthy and to secretly eat them.
So, I don’t know. I just needed to get that out. As I said, I can feel torn because I don’t actually think she’s a bad person, and she can be really kind too. But I don’t feel her behaviour is okay, and I do feel she has toxic attitudes and behaviour around this, and won’t own her preferences and choices vs. the right of other people to make their own decisions, even if they’re poor decisions at times. I also feel judgemental of myself to some degree for feeling so influenced by her and not standing in my own power and choices. Yet I would not judge a friend for acting the same, so I am looking to let go of that feeling a bit more.
Thanks for the space to vent!

Hi, I'm a 29 year old straight cis-gender male who has never had a wife, fiancée, or girlfriend despite having had many crushes/obsessions where I believed I was in love at the time. Every single time I put my foot out there but it ultimately doesn't work out. I have multiple theories about what might be wrong with me, most revolving around my personality (I'm 5'11" and have always been upper middle class so I don't think height or money are the problem). My looks with glasses on are below average but I've seen uglier men with girlfriends so I think the thing that is really killing me is my personality. Anyway, potential reasons I've thought of include the following:

1. I am narcissistic (but I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder because there are multiple symptoms of that disorder and I only have like 1 or 2 out of 6 or 7 and no psychiatrist or therapist has ever diagnosed me with it).
   
2. I am completely self-interested.
   
3. I am completely selfish (I mean I sometimes give homeless people spare cash but I just do it because it makes me feel happy).
   
4. I only care about myself and what I go through. Like sometimes on a dating app a woman will ask me how am I and I will respond saying something like "I'm in pain and depressed" and she'll be like "yikes" and unmatch me.
   
5. I briefly feel love (like when I pet my pet) and I may think I'm in love at the time (like when I have a crush), but I don't truly love others and only love myself. I've had crushes where I believed I loved them at the time but then they ghosted me and after I realized it wasn't real love.
   
6. I am exclusively obsessed with myself.
   

I don't know which of these is true, but I'm hoping someone else can look at me and my messaging with women who I've had a crush on in the past and figure it out. For example, here is an Instagram chat with a woman I was smitten with in the past. There is more info in the title and in the descriptions below the screenshots. Eventually she stops responding (she actually reads my messages and doesn't reapond like 4 or 5 times in those screenshots). In case extra back context is necessary, my first few messages ever with her are here.
I don't know if this helps you understand me better, but like my social media posts tend to focus on me rather than other people. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but for example on Instagram I saw my cousin make a story that said "Post your gf/bf, they deserve it" with a picture of his girlfriend smiling and I replied to that story with my own story with that same comment at the top and a picture of my right hand, post visible here. The song in the background of that post, "Orgy for One" by NSP is a comedy song about a guy who invites a large number of girls over for an orgy but nobody shows up so he has an "Orgy for One" with his hand. I like that song and the post is supposed to be funny and also speak my truth. I think it might also give a clue about my personality.
Another example of how my social media is kind of completely self-interested is on yesterday, Trans Day of Visibility (March 31), I posted this on Facebook:
"March 31 is #TransDayOfVisibility. To celebrate, I'm sharing my favorite trans woman and trans man social influencers.
This is Kelly. She's hot, even by completely straight man standards:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cqbwk0SAlzJ/
This is Kelsy. He was actually born intersex, or with a vagina but also XY chromosomes, and transitioned from outwardly appearing female to outwardly appearing male:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cof4DczsuVs/
But yeah, trans people are valid."
I feel like if I were a "normie" Democrat who wanted to make a post for trans day of visibility I would have instead posted something like this, but this isn't how I really am:
"Happy #TransDayOfVisibility!!! Today we acknowledge all the wonderful trans people in the world and in our lives and how much they matter to us. They are beautiful and they are special and we love them ❤️❤️❤️!!!"
I dunno, that's just not how I really am but I believe people who are like that have more and better relationships than I do. Like if I posted that or acted like that it would be totally fake and out of character.
But yeah, can anyone pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me? Maybe let me know which of my theories/reasons for things not working out is most true and is my real problem?